


The Most Breathtaking of Gifts

by Prince_Hel



Series: I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) [1]
Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on Real Events, Character with Depression and Anxiety, F/F, Fluff and Smut and a little bit of Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, Mentions of past self-harm, Online Relationship, Online Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prince_Hel/pseuds/Prince_Hel
Summary: The paths of two women, completely different from each other, cross. With so many things in their way, there’s still a connection that can’t be ignored that will send them in a conjoined path where not even the distance could stand in their way.“Things worth having don't come easy.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> One year ago I got lucky to start calling the most amazing woman my girlfriend.  
> I can only hope to be lucky enough to keep doing in for the rest of my days.  
> I love you, baby <3

Therese was looking at the screen of her computer, admiring the last piece she had drawn, self-consciousness coating her to the point she felt it was going to take physical form and drip inside out the longer her eyes remain on it as it happened every time she was about to post something.

Art has always been her way to express herself. At least it had been years ago before experiencing a long period of time without doing it, never finding the inspiration nor the motivation for it despite drawing was one of her favorite things to do. It had been her way to speak when words became too much that it made her stutter or stay quiet. Until everything shut down ─ if there were no emotions there couldn’t be drawings.

Only Dannie, her best friend, knew about her depression, the rest never imagining something like that could happen to a person that had a decent life without any reason to experience such thing. Therese even scolded herself for the same reason. Many people had it worse than her and they were trying their best while she was stuck in life, not living but barely surviving.

Her way to cope, desperate to feel something, hadn’t been a healthy one as the scars on her arms and legs proved to any eye that scrutinized with the intention of finding someone because she was careful to never go too deep. Therese was also good at lying. She developed the ability during the previous years to pretend to be something she wasn’t in order not to worry her family. They already had enough with the burden of taking care of her while she didn’t provide anything for their home to also deal with the fact that there was so much more that needed an attention that they couldn’t afford.

It had been unfair to make Dannie carry with this burden on her own, Therese was well aware, especially during the worst times where her attitude made her act as if she didn’t value everything her friend did for her, where she acted like she didn’t value her. She had been truly devoid of emotions and nobody was exempt from it, not even the people that she actually loved, at least in a logical sense and not because she was feeling it.

But she was her best friend for a reason. She hadn’t been there since the very first moment Therese started to have friends, she wasn’t even the only one around when her life started to crumble down but they had met her when Therese was old enough to understand the differences between friends that you made in schools, with the ones that you only shared that part of your life and the ones with whom you will share every piece of it. Dannie had been the one that showed her what a true friend was, the only one that stuck during the hard times, the one that dared to hold her hand and never let it go while the rest walked away when Therese pushed them away.

Therese didn’t blame those people, knowing that she was toxic and full of anger back then and they had every right to protect themselves. Again, she later understood that those people were only meant to share one part of her life, to make her understand something that she didn’t before. That didn’t make them a bad person.

Slowly but surely, the anger was left behind although that didn’t make her better. Therese knew that she was sick and despite the fact that she could manage her situation without therapy or pills, that didn’t mean she was cured. She wasn’t sure how it worked for others under treatment but she personally knew she would always be mentally sick. Perhaps she was wrong but she had the opinion that someone who experienced a mental illness could only learn to live with it. Yes, they could have a wonderful life but the condition would always be lurking, waiting for the moment to attack again. One could only be lucky to have a strong support system when that happened.

At least Therese counted with a person with whom she could be entirely honest and that helped immensely. She also never lost her reasons to never give up, no matter how insignificant they could be at other’s eyes.

Therese had resigned to a dull life when, browsing on the internet, she came across with a movie trailer that aroused her attention. It was peculiar and unbelievable how these things work, that between a myriad of things, one stood up that made Therese’s interest come to live again, turning on the flame of her inspiration after so many years, one that she believed was going to remain turned off.

Dannie had been the one giving her the opportunity to see the movie, buying a ticket for her, and the small flame became a wildfire, prompting her to dust off her notebook and pencil case, her hand throwing strokes as if she never stopped although the pain of her wrist afterwards, remind her how rusted she was.

In the past, she had published her drawings online but since it was original work, only a small group paid attention to it but now she was creating for something with a fandom, which why she doubted if she should publish it. But Therese showed it to Dannie, she always had, along some of her online friends, who prompted her to do it, reassuring her with words of encouragement.

Therese couldn’t tell if that had been the reason, or if she should blame her uncaring attitude but in the end, she did it.

The reception was heartwarming, the comments inevitably uplifting. Such acceptance slowly secured her confidence, developing her desire to socialize with people, which, even if it was through a computer, it was still a big deal for someone like her.

There were new friends, acquaintances, flirtation. Good and bad moments. Every experience reaffirming that she was no longer the person who didn’t feel anything at all but also that she had changed, that she wasn’t the same naive girl that believed in fairy tales. Much less when she was involved, turning her in someone cynical when it came to love, accepting that such things weren’t for her. Never imagining that life had a funny way to test your theories.

 

* * *

 

It was already dark when Carol was finally able to get into her car to go home. She rubbed the back of her neck, resting her head on the headrest afterwards, closing her eyes and feeling completely exhausted after the day she had. She loved her job, she had fought tooth and nails to be to where she was now, as a renowned fashion designer ─ so even on days like this when she had spent all day in the office was something worth it but she was glad it didn’t happen often.

Her employees were competent people, which why they were part of her team but from time to time, especially when a fashion show was right around the corner, the tension always rose around the office and instead of teamwork they became competitive in an attempt to stand out at Carol’s eyes. In those days, she felt like she was in charge of a daycare.

She understood competitiveness, she had it with other designers, but it was something so unnecessary in her team because she appreciated each of her employees’ contribution to the brand since they stood out in very different things which gave them the opportunity to work in every style of clothes and not focusing in only one thread.

That, besides the fact that had been from meeting to meeting all day, knowing that it would be practically impossible to catch a break made her crave for the weekend like never before. Her bottom hurt from spending so much time sitting but her feet were in the same condition because, on an attempt to rest from one position, she stood up, pacing from one place to another in whatever room she was in killer high-heels.

Sighing, Carol rubbed her face with her hands before she stretched to turn the engine on. She was so tired that if she stayed like that one more second, she would end up falling asleep right there in her car, which perhaps wasn’t a terrible idea if she thought about the ride she had to make and how tired she felt, but she was willing to go and accept that torture only for the coziness her bed ensured.

Arriving home, the first thing she did was pouring herself a glass of wine, walking towards her bedroom while sipping. She pulled her laptop out of its briefcase, turning it on, using her right hand to place it on the bed to then take her eyeglasses, softly throwing them close to the device, never letting go her drink, sipping from time to time. She only left the glass when it was time to change into her pajamas. Carol sighed in comfort after getting rid of her fancy clothes, the ones that she didn’t bother to place in its right place, leaving them hanging on the back of the chair.

Retrieving her glass of wine, she went back to the bed, leaning on the headboard and crossing her legs to then take the laptop with her free hand, placing it on her lap, reaching next for her eyeglasses to begrudgingly place them on. Since it was her personal computer, she had the freedom to browse the websites she rarely had the time to visit, reading the articles that caught her attention before going to check her email where she deleted most of them, until she saw a notification that made her smile.

After seeing a movie or reading a book she truly enjoyed, Carol searched things about it, curious to know others people’s opinions to make sure she grasped every layer of the story. During one of those searches, she ended up in a page that made it feel like you were stepping inside an entertaining world with endless possibilities created by the fans.

There were several artists that caught her attention but she was particularly in awe of one who told their stories through drawings, which, she couldn’t help but noticed, looked so much better than the sketches her team did. She supposed the artist’s feelings made a lot of difference because the drawings were rich in details, almost as if they wanted to give them life. In Carol’s opinion, they did because they were capable to leave her speechless with everything they portrayed.

She had been so fascinated with them that she waited eagerly every week for an update of the drawn story and now that it had reached the end, there was something bittersweet about it.

Carol stared at the screen, nibbling her lower lip, contemplating her options, deciding that it was fair to let the artist know how much she had enjoyed their story. If they had made an impact on her with it, she wanted to return the favor.

 

* * *

 

Therese was cursing, reaching for her eraser to fix the mistake she made when the soft sound of a new email reached her ears. Her anxiety made impossible to ignore it for later so she clicked on it after placing the notebook on her lap and the pencil on it, rearranging the keyboard and mouse on the desk, seeing a notification about a new message on her last drawing.   

**FashionQueen**  
I’ve been following your work since you start but I hadn’t dared to say something until now…  
I like your drawings :) you are very talented.

Every comment usually made her smile but there was an indescribable but definitely pleasant sensation that something she had done was capable to bring people out of their shells just like this fiction world had done it with her.

Therese answered the comment, showing her appreciation, careful not to look like an overly enthusiastic person but at the same time wanting to let the reviewer know how much it meant to her when someone took a moment of their time to dedicate a few words to her.

Neither woman imagining that something so vague was the moment that marked the beginning of what would change their lives forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an unexpected, but very welcomed beta this time ─ Thank you, my love <3  
> Still, a reminder that english is not our native language so probably there are some overlooked mistakes.

Therese’s life continued with her normal routine, never even contemplating that such interaction would make a difference, although she had established new friendships in the fandom by then. But it was tricky to imagine this would be one of those times when the comments that followed were equally reserved. With others’ interactions, it had been easy to notice when the person was interested in taking the conversation to a personal level so Therese never imagined that the person at the other side of the screen was interested in something like that, which was okay with her.

Nevertheless, something did change because Therese noticed FashionQueen’s comments getting longer, always about her work and how she felt about it but the difference was notorious, as if the woman was starting to develop a confidence when it came to her that warmed Therese’s heart, making her look forward to her comments whenever she posted something new, to the point that she surely had Dannie’s sick of mentioning the ‘pretty girl’ whenever she commented, making her feel a subtle thrill or a slight dismay when she didn’t comment in the span of time that Therese’s had marked as hers.

Therese never gave much thought at the fact that she had started using the word ‘pretty’ to describe someone she had no idea how it looked, because it was the first word that came to her mind whenever she read her words, convinced that part of her attitude was poured on them.

After a few months, she started to work on another comic with multiple chapters and for the very first time between them, their exchange went deeper than just one comment, giving them the insight of what the other was in a superficial, but at the same time, deeper way.   

 

**FashionQueen**  
I’ve been meaning to ask you. Who’s your favorite character between the two of them?

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Depends on which way you ask. If you are asking in a physical way or character-wise.

**FashionQueen**  
Now I’m curious to know both.

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Haha. In a physical way, I prefer Catherine because she’s an older woman, who are my weakness. Regarding character, with both actually ─ it’s easy to feel identified with Alexandra if you had been in love but with Catherine, I can understand now the wariness when you meet someone and during interactions in a romantic aspect. Also adopting the ‘strong woman’ facade when underneath there’s a vulnerable person.

**FashionQueen**  
I can understand being wary about everything after a while.  
In my case, character-wise I prefer Alexandra because I’m the total opposite of her. Actually, in the physical aspect, I also would choose her. I like brunettes.

**Sketchy_Girl**  
I think Alexandra is beautiful but I’m Catherine all the way … I simply love older women, haha.

**FashionQueen**  
The killer thing for me is the combination of dark hair with light brown eyes, that just does it for me. Hahaha.  
I don’t know why but in my case I always end up dating younger people, but I’ve never minded the age difference, somehow I’ve found that I have more things in common with younger people than with people my own age.

 

Therese paused for a moment, contemplating the idea if she should flirt or not. It had always been easy for her to do things online that she wouldn’t dare to do in person, where she was usually shy. But in this case, she was experiencing a wonderful comfortableness, that only came after knowing a person for so long. And it wasn’t like she was actually expecting for something to happen; it was more as if testing the waters of how their interactions could be between them. It was meant to be something playful and innocent. In the end, if it wasn’t taken in a good way, she could always stick to the excuse that it was only a joke.

Nodding in encouragement to her internal argument, she took a deep breath, biting her lower lip while she wrote.   

 

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Too bad … I have dark hair with green eyes :P  
Really?! I always ended up dating people older than me. And I agree with the fact that the age difference it’s not a problem because I also get along better with people who are older than me. 

 

* * *

 

Carol was fighting back against her desire to forget about work just to dive in the conversation she was having. It had taken months for her to take the courage to start a conversation for the simple fact that she never felt an opening for that, believing that even when the person at the other side was polite it didn’t mean she was interested in something more.

This time, however, somehow she found the courage to do it. After all, there was nothing to lose. The most terrible thing would be experiencing the awkward moment of being ignored, but deep down she knew it wouldn’t happen; perhaps, that gut feeling was the thing that this day gave her the courage to take a leap of faith.

Carol smiled when the beeping sound of an email notification sounded, pulling her out of her absorption. She tried not to be too eager even when nobody was looking at her, taking a few seconds to pull down the pen she had been holding on the desk, to then pretend to scan the papers she should be focusing on instead of daydreaming, until she finally caved and clicked on the email app.

Her eyes widened when she read the last written message, her heart unexpectedly fluttering although a big part of her tried to calm the one that was trying to take the stage, telling herself that the comment wasn’t meant with any particular intention.     

 

**FashionQueen**  
Hold on a second. Are you serious?! A talented draftswoman with dark hair and green eyes? How can you be real?

 

_Two can play this game_ , she thought, smirking after she hit the comment button. Not that she didn’t believe the words she had written. If the other person was indeed like she had described herself, then for Carol, there was a certain beauty in her. But this was the internet after all, and how many times hadn’t been heard of people catfishing others? It had never happened to her because she had never been interested in interacting with someone the way she was doing it now but as she had mentioned: it was natural to be wary.

This time, she didn’t attempt to go back to work, eager for an answer. However, she was forced to when the answer didn’t come right away and there were meetings to go. She sighed, not in a disappointed but in a tired way, taking the papers she needed before taking her cell phone, which she carried all times to bossy around commands whenever it was necessary, always preferring to deal with things on her own to be sure they were done correctly.

For a few hours, Carol was entirely distracted that she momentarily forgot about the message until she was trapped in a boring meeting that made her pull her cell phone out. Almost instinctively she clicked the email app, the first thing she usually did when she had access to the internet, not because she had the intention of finding the response she had been waiting for, but she was pleased when she looked at it.    

 

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Don’t forget I’m younger than you ;)

 

Carol froze. This time incapable of controlling the way her heart pounded because this time there wasn’t a doubt that it was flirting. She looked up from her phone, looking around, wanting to make sure that nobody had noticed the sudden blush that covered her face.   

 

**FashionQueen**  
You’ve just achieved the impossible by making me blush.  
At least nobody noticed … I think. I have a certain image to maintain.

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Two points to mention:

  * It’s nice to know I’m capable of doing the impossible. As if I was special.
  * You are reading my comments at work?!



Then you can’t entirely blame me in case of being discovered.

**FashionQueen**  
I like to read your comments the moment they arrive, yes.  
You definitely are special. I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise. 

 

* * *

 

Therese had been wearing a smile the moment she sat in front of the computer. It had practically become her default reaction whenever she was exchanging messages with this woman. The most striking thing was that she actually experienced the emotions she portrayed through the messages, laughing when she wrote it and not like most times when it was only meant to not give an awkward sensation. 

 

**Sketchy_Girl**  
It seems it’s my turn to blush … I hope you know the sentiment it’s mutual.

**FashionQueen**  
That you know you are special?  
I’m glad you think so :P

**Sketchy_Girl**  
No! That I think YOU are special. I like to talk to you.

**FashionQueen**  
Do you think it would be too bold of me giving you my email so we can keep talking over there instead of spamming (more than I’ve already done it) your work?

**Sketchy_Girl**  
WE have been spamming my work, it’s not exclusively your own doing.  
And of course, I would be honored if you want to keep talking with me beyond this :)

 

When it was time to wait for an answer, Therese usually focused back on her drawings, not expecting that the other person was like her, spending most of her awake hours in front of the computer and also because she wasn’t sure if they shared the same time zone. Currently, it was time for her break, which consisted of spending time with her brother Damian, making her leave the computer for a few hours. Even though she had a tablet, she hardly used it when she was with him, unless she had something important to pay attention to ─ which this could be considered as such, having her updating the website constantly until a new message appeared.    

 

**Sketchy_Girl**  
Can I send you an email right now?

**FashionQueen**  
Absolutely, you can email me whenever you want.

 

Therese felt slightly apprehensive though. Few times had been the ones when she actually developed a significant relationship with someone after exchanging emails, because it was different than doing it on a website ─ with this, they’d be interacting at a more private setting, which would allow them to maintain the type of conversation that helps in getting to know someone better. She knew that this exchange was with such intention and even though she wanted to do it, there was something in the back of her mind; that feeling that led her to believe that once someone got to know her, they would stop liking her.

It was frustrating to be a walking contradiction because even when she didn’t care if someone didn’t like her, there was the concern of caring for someone that at some point would leave. And there was a reason why such thought had become her primary: because she was used to that. She knew it was unfair to consider everyone like the people who had hurt her but her common sense made her live on guard now, not wanting to be taken by surprise. Not wanting to be hurt again.

Sighing, Therese gave one last look to the message that contained the email before copying it and saving it in her contacts to then delete the message, wanting to maintain the woman’s privacy because even when she had agreed to give her her email, it was meant to be just for her and she wanted to respect that as much as she could.

Once she was back to the computer, Therese sent a short email, so the other woman could have her address too, letting her know who she was. In the end, there was nothing to lose. It was just an email and she would be outspoken, having learned that lying to pretend to have a life she didn’t have just to be appealing at someone’s eyes wasn’t the way to go. If somebody would like her, as a friend or something more, it would have to be knowing that there wasn’t much she could offer beyond the disaster she was as a person. She wasn’t a saint but Therese believed that as a friend, she was a decent one, she just hoped the chemistry they seemed to have through comments, was able to reach beyond the website.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: There's a mention about sexual abuse almost at the end of the chapter. It's only the mention, nothing detailed.

Carol’s day always started in the same way ─ early in the morning even during the weekends like today. The moment the sunlight seeped through the tiny space of the blinds, it was impossible to keep sleeping for her, part of her wanting to seize the day and the other wanting to buy new curtains that wouldn’t allow the light to pass so she could sleep until it was considered a decent time since it was her resting days.

With a sigh, she threw the sheets to the side to get out of the comfy bed, walking barefoot to the bathroom in her shorts and favorite jersey. If someone from work would see her in the privacy of her home, they would never believe she was the same person they saw every day who was devoted to fashion for a living. She sincerely loved to dress stylishly, to draw people’s eyes at her once they caught her sight because she was showing off her brand but it was what it was expected from her. She simply couldn’t go to a fashion show wearing pants and a hoodie, not even if they were of her brand. After a long and tired day of being in high-heels and wearing clothes that made her look fantastic but weren’t made exactly for comfort, she wondered why there hadn’t been another profession she felt so passionate about it.

After using the bathroom, Carol went to the spacious kitchen to prepare her personal fuel: a big cup of coffee. As she waited, she sat on a stool of the island table, drumming with her nails on the surface as she looked around, cursing at the realization that she forgot her cell phone. Going back to her bedroom to retrieve it, she decided to take her laptop too, thinking that it would be a good idea to go through some work things that needed to be check. Which she would do after spending some time doing things that weren’t very important.

As she read the gossip of some celebrities she had faced, her brain came fully awake, reminding her that there was a particular thing she had been looking forward, which made her quickly login in into her email. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw an email for an unknown address, having an idea of who it was, a bright smile confirming it once she clicked on it.  

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

I hope you know who I am … in any case I’m Sketchy_Girl.

I’m about to go sleep but I wanted to wish you a good day or night first. Also to let you know that you are free to ask me whatever you want and to write me whenever :)

By the way, nice to meet you Carol, I’m Therese.

 

 

* * *

  
Therese’s day started until late in the afternoon, something that could be considered normal when she was a person that went to sleep early in the morning, just when the rest of the functional people were going to work or school. As was customary, the first thing she did, even when she was still sleepy, was to reach out for her tablet where she couldn’t do much beyond checking her email since it was an outdated version. Most of the days there was only advertising emails coming from video games websites or notifications when it was time to pay something. During the weekends they were added the ones from the comments when she posted something but this time there was an email she was expecting to find, pleased when she did.  

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

Therese … and according to your email address, your last name is Belivet. Therese Belivet … that’s a lovely name.

I’m delighted that we are in contact in this way now. If I can be honest with you, since a while I had been tempted to ask you if we could talk beyond the page we met because from the very beginning I liked our interactions.

The same goes for you. With all the confidence in the world, you can contact me. Though I should warn you that I’m a conversationalist. I can talk about practically anything so if one day you tell me you ate an ice-cream I surely will tell you how was that flavor created. Haha. I’m sure you will get bored of me at some point.

According to this email, you went to sleep at 8 o’clock in the morning? Where are you from? I’m from LA, so as I answer you is 8:46 AM … I’m used to waking up early but it should be some sort of forbidden during the weekend even when nobody forced me to it, though I do have to work in some things.

By the way, my name is Carolyn but nobody has called me like that once I entered college.

I hope you have a good day, darling. We are in touch ;)

 

 

Not having to do anything else, she replied the email first, wasting a little more time in bed afterwards before getting out of it to get ready for the day ─ opening her bedroom door, she allowed her cat, her companion for ten years, to step outside first as she went to take the litter box to place it in its default space so the cat could have some sort of freedom without getting out of the house, to clean it. Then she went to the bathroom, where she washed her face and brushed her teeth because she wouldn’t even bother to change her pajamas. It was one of the perks of never getting out, her mother and brother taking care of buying the groceries or whatever it was necessary, she could stay in the same clothes.

Therese was eager to go check her email again, to see if she had gotten an answer already but Carol (it pleased her to put a name to the person), as opposite as her situation, did have a life where she was busy and surely had plenty things to do so she wouldn’t be next to the computer waiting for her email.

With that in mind, she went to the kitchen, finding her mother Marie preparing food. “Hey,” Therese kissed her temple once she got closer, looking down to see what there would be to eat.

“Hey.” She paused to kiss her daughter’s cheek. “Hungry?”

“I could eat.” It wasn’t that she was actually hungry but she preferred to eat, not wanting to be interrupted when she was in front of the computer. The only time of the day where she could be doing things she actually enjoyed.

 

* * *

  
Carol decided to take a break after spending a few hours entirely focused on her work, as it proved the large number of sketches scattered on the dining table. She removed her glasses to rub her tired eyes, her stomach rumbling in protest. Not in the mood to prepare something, she called to order for something to eat. As she waited, she looked the hour, to confirm it had passed a decent time for a person to sleep so she went to check her email, her eagerness unnoticed if there were someone with her when she saw it.  

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

And why you never asked my email before? I wanted to talk to you in a more private setting too but I do have a reason why I never asked. Remember that I told you that I get along better with people older than me? Well … is true but in reality is hard for me to interact with people in general. I hardly take the first step to develop whatever kind of relationship. Also because every time I exchange emails with someone, we stop talking after a while. I’m concerned that will happen to us because I truly enjoy talking with you but if I’m honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens.

I will get bored of you?! Come on! You do things, you have things to tell. That makes you interesting already. But I? I’m a very peculiar person … also, mmm, perhaps I should warn you so you wouldn’t take it personally if you ever encounter me in a bad mood, which surely will happen if this continue ─ I suffer depression and anxiety so there are days where I’m not in a good mood, without reason. Because of that, I don’t really have a life, I don’t have a job and since a few years ago I’m in this world just surviving. I won’t lie to you, I’ve always thought that my ‘charm’ only exists when people don’t really know me.

I did! Haha. Well, after 8 AM because after I sent you the email I did other things. That’s usually my sleeping hour. Working on the weekend? That’s some kind of exploitation. And I’m from New York, from what I saw you are three hours behind my timezone.

Carolyn … that’s a beautiful name. Carol has something regal about it while Carolyn can be more, uhm, approachable?

XOXO.

 

 

Carol gasped at how much the email revealed about the other woman, having mixed feelings about the words she was reading. On one side, she felt a warming sensation washing her over at the fact that Therese trusted her enough to share something so personal with her, as if she was putting her hand on the table. For Carol, with the information she now counted, it wasn’t an attempt to scare her away, seeing the hiding message of ‘don’t make me care for you when you surely will go away someday’. On the other, there was a veil of sadness of knowing what Therese had experienced and still did, making Carol think that it was unfair that the twenty-nine years old woman (information she received during the comments they exchanged on the website) felt that way.

However, Carol was very far away from what Therese probably expected. There wasn’t any hesitation to keep knowing more about her and if Therese gave her the chance, to prove to her that she wasn’t like all the people that came to her life just to leave. She sincerely liked the young woman, something that has never happened before, making her feel like an eager teenager and she might not know what to expect from this, nor what she actually wanted just yet, but of one thing Carol was certain: that she wanted to be part of Therese’s life.

 

* * *

  
After eating, Therese went back to her bedroom, turning the computer on, connecting her tablet to the power while the other finished starting up. Her neutral expression morphed into a small smile when she saw the email notification after clicking the device on.  

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

I was nervous to ask for it. What if you said no? I wouldn’t have been able to bear that rejection! Haha. The thing is … mmm, I not only like your art and the way you tell a story, but I also like your humor, I don’t know, it always gave me the impression that you were super cute (there, I finally dared to say it) so that made harder for me to say something. But as we started to talk and became friendly I took the courage to ask you. I’m pretty reserved, believe it or not, so I tend to think everyone’s like me for some reason.

Peculiar … I like that word. And you know? That’s actually what makes people interesting. There’s nothing wrong in being peculiar, you only need to find the right people that are not bothered by those peculiarities. Believe me, I’m very peculiar too. I’m a person who thinks reason and logic are the way to go which makes me detached and cold to other people’s eyes but is not like I’m incapable to feel, is just that I’m not a person who thinks that physical displays of affection are necessary to demonstrate that you care for someone.

Thank you for being so blunt with me and telling me about your situation. I hope you have people who support you and I know you barely know me but I’m here if you ever need to talk. And when you feel off, don’t worry and tell me directly, I won’t feel resentful.

Do you live in New York? I used to live there (I can confirm our time difference are three hours) but then I moved here for practicality. I’m a fashion designer and LA is known as the fashion city of US. That’s also why I chose Carol, it works better something regal and serious.

 

 

Therese narrowed her eyes after reading the last part, whose in the next second widened, nailed in Carol’s email address, able to connect the dots easily now. She knew the Ross brand, everybody did since it was as famous and popular as the others. She was curious to google Carol because she might have heard about the brand but since she wasn’t interested in fashion, she wasn’t around searching for designers to know how they look like, for the first time wanting to know. However, she concealed her desire, thinking it was more appropriate to wait until Carol wanted to give that step.

Before answering the email, she went to open a tab to start a conversation with Dannie though since it was the weekend, time she went to see her family, she surely won’t answer until much later but it was the first thing she usually did when she was in front of the computer. After doing it, she went to reply to the email, being interrupted after a few minutes.  

 

Dannie  
  
**6:03 PM**  
hi, you  
  
**6:36 PM**  
hey, how are you?  
  
I’m okay. You?  
  
I’m fine already exhausted after so much socialization  
  
the normal, let’s be real  
  
lol, yeah  
  
hey, remember the pretty girl?  
  
should change it to pretty woman tho  
  
hard not to when I’m sure you mention her every time she leaves you a comment  
  
I’m not that bad!  
  
riiight  
  
anyway… well, apparently I’m speaking with someone famous  
  
how so?  
  
you know the Ross brand?  
  
who wouldn’t?  
  
a yes or no would suffice ¬¬  
  
hahaha  
  
yes!  
  
is she a model or something?  
  
something… she’s the designer  
  
O_O for real?  
  
unless she’s lying but I doubt it because is not like I mentioned that I’m a fashion fan or something like that  
  
cool  
  
maybe a little bit odd but cool  
  
the more I know her, the more I feel like life is messing with me  
  
“here, I’ll put the woman of your dreams in your path when you are too broken and ruined to be worthy for someone”  
  
*there there*

 

Therese smiled at her friend’s comfort, moving the mouse to click on the tab where she had been answering the email to finish it. She reread what she had written so far before continuing, typing like a pro. This message had a lot of personal revelations that were surely harsh to digest for anyone who was capable to empathize; but online, she was this brazen because it was something she couldn’t do in person so she had taken the only escape she could get. But she decided to bring back topics they had spoken about on the website, not wanting that their conversation turned depressive.

 

* * *

  
Carol was entering her house, holding a plate of rice and chicken with her left hand (feeding herself with the right one) that she had taken from her brother’s house, when she heard the ping coming from the laptop, making her turn her head in the laptop’s direction, fastening her steps. Not missing a beat, she sat down, leaving the plate momentarily forgotten to read the email.  

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

Why would I say no?! Unless I didn’t like you but you would have noticed if that was the case on the page.

Reason and logic, huh? My kind of woman. I’m like that too. Although I admit that when someone is able to pass my walls, I can be very mushy but with the rest of the world, I’m like: “don’t come near me and don’t say corny things because it’s stupid,” haha. I’m very cynical about love and I don’t trust easily … I wasn’t like this but when you have been sexually assaulted by a family member when you were a little kid and the people who claim to love you double crosses you, it’s very hard not to become bitter, cynical, distrustful, pessimistic and kinda cold. I have gotten a little better, a few years ago I wouldn’t have dared to even socialize with people online but this fandom helped me to open a door a little, but I’m still very distrustful because I have the luck (?) that four of five times people always prove me right that they can be the worst.

 

 

Carol made a pause before keep reading, her eyes rereading the paragraph. Not even for a moment, it crossed for her mind that it made sense now. Instead, in her mind only flooded the unfairness of the situation. “Oh my god.” Her eyes filled with tears as her hand moved to her mouth.

It hadn’t been hard for her to notice Therese’s walls even when she was friendly, the slightest resistance that never wavered as they interacted, making her feel that no matter what she did, she would never give her the opportunity to cross them. Carol understood why ─ after being disappointed so many times, Therese knew nothing but self-preservation, not believing in the goodwill of people anymore.

Carol looked down at the table, tracing the wood patterns with her fingertips pensively, taking a moment to digest the information revealed, wondering how to proceed. After a few minutes, her eyes returned to the laptop screen to finish her reading.  

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

You have nothing to thank me for. This is my way to be free, to say the things I had never and would probably never dare to say out loud. And is not like I’m going around telling everyone what has happened to me so I should be the one thanking you for being trustworthy :) I know I technically don’t know you but you give me that vibe.

The moment you told me you are a fashion designer I knew who you are. Shame on me that it took me a while to connect the dots because your name is right there on your address but (I hope it doesn’t offend you) I had never been interested in fashion and that’s why I know nothing about that world. So I’m exchanging emails with a famous person … can I have your autograph? I’m actually joking, haha.

I imagine you are a busy person but what do you like to do in your free time?

 

 

At least by the end of the email, Carol was able to smile, even if her smile wasn’t as big as it had been the previous times after reading one of Therese’s emails. But despite the heartache of the situation, Carol liked and wanted to keep knowing more about Therese’s life, the good and the bad and everything in between.


	4. Chapter 4

When it was time to go spend time with her brother, Therese wasn’t really looking forward to it, not wanting to interrupt the conversation she was having but if she didn’t go with him, Damian would start asking questions, concerned that something might be happening.

An attitude like that made Therese wonder if her brother knew about her mental illness. She never talked with her family about it, having gone to a psychologist in secret to be diagnosed when she figured out something was wrong.

Not only they couldn’t afford to send her to therapy but on the other side, her brother had the wrongful and ignorant opinion that depressive people choose to live like that and she had the feeling that her mother wouldn’t understand what entail that kind of affliction. That was why she decided to pretend everything was okay whenever she faced them, bearing her mother’s comments that she was lazy, fighting against the anxiety when they struggled with money and she simply couldn’t find a way to help. But lately, more often than not, Damian came to her defense whenever Marie smother her with those comments. And at least, they never forced her to do something she didn’t want, like appearing during the family reunions they could have.

“What are we going to watch today?” Damian asked, sitting next to her in the rectangle table of the kitchen, placing the bowl of popcorn on it.

Therese shrugged, her eyes on her tablet instead of the laptop, clicking to update the email app.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

I’m so sorry for what happened to you. So very sorry. I know there are no right words that would make this kind of situation better. Although I know that you didn’t tell me because that’s what you were looking for. But I hope you are in some sort of place where you are no longer hunted by it, and if you are, I hope you count with some sort of support.

I have had my fair amount of disappointments when it comes to people. But if I can be honest, I’ve always been pretty aloof. I’m sure the environment in which I’m in has something to do because it’s very hard to find sincere people and I think I’m good at reading people because it’s easy for me to see someone’s bullshit so I don’t even bother.

 

 

Therese smirked, in the next second pretending that she wasn’t to pay attention to her brother. “That horror movie you wanted to watch came out recently so we can see that.” Once he went to search it, she focused back on her tablet.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

It makes me happy that you feel that way with me. And believe me, I’ll try to never break your trust. I know it’s a very valuable and important thing.

I’m well aware that not everyone loves fashion and I’m okay with that. I admit that I might mentally judge their clothes but I’m okay with the fact that not everyone is a fan of it, haha.  
I will give you my autograph if you promise not to sell it on eBay ;) :P

What I like to do during my free time? You are correct when you say that I’m usually busy that’s why I like to do nothing during my free time, haha. I like to stay home and watch movies and believe it or not, I like to play video games, I think they are wonderful to destress. I also love to read but I never have the time for it :( I started a book six months ago and I haven’t finished it.  
  
What about you? What you like to do?

 

 

Therese’s eyes widened in surprise, never expecting that a woman that (at least by the way you could know someone through emails) seemed to be sophisticated in every possible way liked to play video games. Even though she was eager to respond, she didn’t do it right away, pretending to be focused on the movie so her brother didn’t react dramatically, complaining about the fact that Therese wasn’t paying attention to their time together.

 

* * *

 

Carol was cozied on her comfortable couch, her legs bent to the side, giving the impression that it was making cold and she was trying to warm up, watching entrailed a documentary, so lost in it that she startled when the sliding door of the living room opened. “What’s up?” Her little brother, Charles, didn’t answer, going to sit next to her.

Carol followed him with her eyes for a moment before her gaze went back to the television, only to roll her eyes when her brother spoke. “What are you watching?”

“A documentary about feminism.” Charles nodded in response.

“Are you going out today?” Carol stretched an arm to press pause on the computer to look at her brother afterwards.

“Some friends invited me to the cinema but I don’t think I’ll go.” She closed her eyes, resting her head on the backrest. “I have been working all day and I’m tired.”

“Going out would help you as a distraction from work. You need to take a break from work from time to time.” He dropped his hand on her tight softly, then repeated the action on the couch between them.

“I take breaks.” Charles huffed with incredulity. “I do! Why you want me out anyway? You want to throw a party?” She chuckled softly when he rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need you out of the house to do that.” Living in the same ground but different houses gave that opportunity. “And I don’t want you out, I’m just asking.”

“You want to go out with the wife and want me to keep an eye on the kids?” she wondered with sincere interest.

“Probably. But we don’t want to interrupt your plans if you had something planned from before.” Now he rested his head on the backrest, keeping his eyes on the ceiling.

“Go, honestly. I’ll stay here watching movies. I don’t have plans to keep working, I’ll lazy around, I can watch them.” She adored her nephews so it wouldn’t be a bother.

“Yeah?” He turned his head in Carol’s direction without lifting it.

“Absolutely.” She smiled.

Charles stood up. “I’m going to talk with Dana and I’ll let you know what we decide.” He walked to the door, stopping before going out. “Thank you though.” He smiled when Carol nodded with a soft smile.

Once alone, Carol took the laptop to place it on her lap. Instead of resuming her viewing, she went to check her email, feeling a wave of giddiness when she saw a new email with Therese’s name.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

You know what’s the worst part? That is something I have to hide from my family (the mental illness and the abuse), so in a way, real life can be really suffocating, when I’m experiencing one of those mood changes and I have to pretend everything’s okay or when I’m pushed to be a responsible adult and reminded that I have to get a job which isn’t easy to get, not only because of my problems but because I don’t have a career *sigh*  
At least I have my best friend, Dannie, she knows everything and she’s like my therapist when I need it. I would have gone crazy without her, she had been an immense help during all these years.

So, if you are bothering with me that means I’m worth it? :P

 

 

Carol pouted sadly at Therese’s reality but it was reassuring to know that she wasn’t facing it entirely alone. At her question, she frowned but smile, the sensation of sadness not quite disappearing at the insecurity hidden as a joke. Therese was a fascinating contradiction of a person that blossomed in Carol the need of hugging her and want to promise her that she wouldn’t hurt her.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

I’ll be waiting that autograph then ;)

Hold your horses! You like video games?! Are you playing with me or something?! The more I get to know you the more I think you are the perfect woman. I love video games! During my free time I like to read, draw (doh, haha), watch a movie or tv show, but my favorite thing to do overall is playing video games. What genre do you like? I’m a huge fan of survival horror although I can be the most hilarious when I play because I get scared and I ramble like an idiot in an attempt to relax myself or I can throw the control at unexpected scares, stand up to leave the room before returning to keep playing, haha.

Btw, I need to be sure because it would be silly to suppose that you are gay only because we met in a fandom where the couple is two women who love each other, so … you like women?

 

 

Carol chuckled, imagining Therese playing video games, wishing to have the opportunity to see her one day playing, knowing that it would be almost impossible. However, the last inquiring made her sigh. It wasn’t that it bothered her to be questioned about her sexuality though if she was honest with herself, this was a first so Therese would be the first person to know about her situation. She only hoped to be capable to explain her without feeling, and therefore sounding, like a moron.

But before answering, she placed the laptop next to her on the couch to be able to stand up to get a piece of paper and a pen.

 

* * *

 

Therese was a cheater when it came to horror movies but she blamed her brother for it. The last time they had seen a movie without her cheating, she spent the last ten minutes with her hands on her ears, eyes closed and the legs over the couch to not end up more traumatized than what she already was and Damian still reminded her of the embarrassing moment. After that day, whenever they watch a horror movie, in the scenes when it was clear something would happen but unsure of the way it would happen, Therese looked away to not have the harsh blow of the scare. It wasn’t something she needed to do with every single movie, she could see some without cheating but it was a helpful way to be braver at his brother’s eyes.

Once the movie was over and they agreed it wasn’t bad but not entirely great either, Damian stood up to prepare dinner (although it was 2:00 AM) and after Therese pull the necessary things out she went back to her seat, turning on the tablet to check her email.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

A true friend can make a huge difference in someone’s life. I’m just glad to know you haven’t been alone in all this.  
  
What would you have liked to study? Something related to what you do or something different? And why you didn’t study if I’m not stepping where I shouldn’t?

Of course you are worth it, so very worth it, darling.

 

 

Therese smiled, feeling a nice sensation washing her over that quickly vanished under the self-deprecation that couldn’t actually believe the words.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

I do! I love video games but again, I don’t have the time to play much. My favorites are the ones like Halo. Shooters, right? I’m actually good at those. A couple of years ago we had a New Year’s party in the office and instead of the usual karaoke, I decided it was a better idea to bring a console to have more options to play and we made a Halo’s tournament and I won. Survival horror, huh? Well, we don’t agree on that because I’m the most skittish person! Which not everyone knows because who admits that kind of things? So I’ll have to deny it in the future. Haha. And as much as I would like to see you playing horror games only to see the way you react, it wouldn’t be possible because I would be the first one to leave the room :P

I like women, yes. It wasn’t long ago that I reached that conclusion if I’m honest. It was in my forties, I think. All the relationships I have had, had been with men but something was definitely missing every time. As I grew older and I started to know what I wanted, I realized that I only feel physical attraction towards them, I can’t develop an actual connection with men. Now I know that the next time I have a relationship it’s going to be with someone with whom I share a deep connection and I can only see it happening with a woman. I want to meet someone who rocks my world (look at me trying to be cool, lol) but I think it’s going to be tricky to achieve. I’m not ‘out’ and I don’t think I would be out soon, if ever. Sometimes I wish to go someplace where I didn’t know anyone and nobody knew who I am, to meet a beautiful woman, have dates, fall in love, be free … but I don’t think it’s possible.  
What about you? I also refuse to guess just because you draw about a lesbian couple.

 

 

Therese laughed with the attached file, which her brother didn’t question, surely thinking that she was looking a funny image which flooded on the internet, not actually believing that Carol would do it. Her eyes remain nailed to the photo for a long time, tracing every single trace of the calligraphy she considered elegant. This time, she decided to answer until she was alone, not wanting to be distracted from the topics they were speaking of.

In the next minutes, Therese tried to eat fast without looking hurried, not wanting that Damian thought that she preferred to be somewhere else even when it was true, mindful of being careful because she didn’t want an accident to happen.

 

* * *

 

Carol was entering her house after being in her brother’s for the last time today to check on her nephews and chatting for a few minutes with the nanny to make sure everyone was okay.

Before going back to her comfy spot on the couch, she went to the kitchen for a snack, not able to refrain herself from refilling her cup of coffee, holding the cookie she had been eating between her lips, chewing carefully to not let it fall.

When her cup was full, she fixed herself a plate with cookies, placing it over the cup, holding it with both hands to go to the living room. Even when she wanted to check her email, she didn’t, deciding to read other things while she ate, knowing that if she went to read Therese’s email, she wouldn’t give the deserved attention to answering. Only until she finished with her cookies, brushing off the crumbs from her lips, she read the email, giving her full attention to it.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

I can’t believe you actually did it! Hahaha. Thank you though <3 for the autograph and telling me I’m worth it.

No, I would have liked to study something different actually. I love to draw but I’ve always considered it more like a hobby. I would have liked to study veterinary. I love animals, and it’s also easier for me to interact with them than with people.  
My father was who sustained us … well, he and my mom ─ he was the owner of the business but my mom worked in it. When he died, he didn’t leave a will and we weren’t his only family so we had to sell it to split the money of his belongings. Expectedly, we focused on launching a business for economic support but neither had been actually successful and money has mostly gone in that. We are actually in another attempt, my brother has a lot of expectation on it and for my mental health I hope it works, lol.

I’ll take your secret to the grave ;) … I can’t blame you for not liking horror, when I was little, I was like a scaredy cat! xD but my brother is a huge fan of horror so I was faced with it early on and since I’ve always followed him around I had to deal with it. Luckily for me, video games have never traumatized me, it’s actually funny because they scare me/put me nervous but I love to see/play them, haha. Movies are a different case though I have gotten better over the years.

I understand. It sucks that you can’t be free though. Has something to do with your fame? But hey, you are still young! You can never know what can happen. Maybe one day you can do it, don’t give up on that. Besides, everyone says the forty are the new twenty so you have a lot of time ;) and for real, the women from the age of forty … jesus christ! *heart eyes*

I’m attracted to women, yes. Though I’ve had relationships with men, I prefer women. I don’t consider myself lesbian nor bisexual because I don’t like labels ─ I can think a man is attractive but I sincerely doubt I will ever be in a relationship with one again. Sincerely I doubt I’ll have it with a woman too but that’s for a different reason, haha.

 

 

Carol chuckled, able to feel Therese’s surprised joy in her thanks but it quickly dissipated as she continued reading, the conversation taking a serious vibe that made her sigh. She was a hard-working person that never stopped, not even now that she was at the peak but she also believed that luck had something to do with it, giving her the opportunities that made her escalate quickly and made her name known.

Her mulling about how unfair it was that some people who tried their best never get a big opportunity to reach high heights when people who didn’t move a single finger were splashed with such kind of opportunities over and over again without caring for them, entirely wasting them, was interrupted with another chuckled at Therese’s compliment about women of her age, feeling her face getting warmer as a pleasing sensation washed her over. She knew that Therese was speaking in general and not specifically of her but nevertheless, she was part of the bunch and it was nice to know that a young person found women older than her more attractive than women of her own age.

The last paragraph made her curiosity bubbled up but she nibbled her lower lip, her first thought being that it wasn’t any of her business so she shouldn’t ask but then she remembered Therese’s words, giving her free card to ask anything she wanted. Perhaps this was the right time to test that theory.

 

* * *

 

After Therese washed the dishes from their dinner and Damian tidied up the kitchen a bit, they said their goodbyes for the night, going to their respective bedrooms. The first thing the young woman did was turning the computer on as she always did, drumming the fingertips of her left hand on the desk as she waited, her right hand on the mouse, moving it aimlessly until the device was ready to function.

Talking with Carol for a day had made her feel more emotions than the last five years together. For Therese, it was curious that of all the people she had known since her life started to decay, Carol was the only one to bring out the thrill with every message, the outgrowing interest in the woman after reading her words. Although, the bitter knowledge that she seemed to be interacting with a woman who in every aspect was the ideal woman when nothing could happen between them caused Therese to hit the brakes, not wanting to give a wrongful impression.

Therese shook her head, not wanting to stain the good time she was experiencing with that kind of thoughts. After all, nothing pointed out that Carol was attracted to her.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

Anytime ;)

Veterinary, huh? That’s quite lovely and tender. I have always had this idea that a person with a huge heart cares for animals to the point of devoting their life to take care of them.

Well, I still am the scaredy cat! Haha.

About the forty being the new twenty … mmm, perhaps, but not quite, haha. I’ve always felt good with my age and according to me, I looked the same as 15 years ago, and then a friend showed me a picture when I was thirty and it was a huge impact! Hahaha. I mean, I don’t look bad but you can definitely see the difference.

It doesn’t have to do with my fame but with the people surrounding me, the close ones. My family and friends. They are old fashioned and I sincerely doubt they would have a good reaction if I tell them I’m attracted to women.

Why are you so certain that you won’t have a relationship ever again?

 

 

Therese pursed her lips at Carol’s reason for not having the chance to live her life as who she was. She had always thought that it was unfair that people like them were judged for simply loving someone of the same sex and that in some situations, not even the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally had your back. She always took personally this kind of topics, incapable to understand why for some people it was more acceptable to share their hate than allowing someone to be different.

 

* * *

 

Carol should be contemplating about going to bed but it was the last thing in her mind even when she was always eager to sleep whenever she had the chance to do it, that during the working days lacked. But she simply didn’t have the desire to cut off the conversation she was having even when she knew they could resume it easily once she wakes up, after all, Therese surely would still be awake. Besides, she was sure that she wouldn’t be capable of falling asleep even if she tried ─ between the fact that her eagerness was still at its peak and that Therese never took long to answer, Carol didn’t have the chance to get sleepy.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

I have to see the pictures to judge (?) :P

Oh man, that’s even worse. I could tell you that the people who matter are going to accept you but I can understand your hesitation. My mother doesn’t know about me either and I worry about telling her. I had the chance once and I stupidly didn’t take it but I wasn’t ready back then. My brother is the only one from my family who knows and he took it well. As you can probably expect, everyone I’ve met on the internet knows it too, haha. They all tell me that my mother will accept me because she loves me but there’s that part in my mind that goes ‘what if she doesn’t?’ that I can’t shut down.

From what happened to me. I might have gotten better this last year and I’ve been able to feel (as implausible as it sounds, during the worst period of my depression I sincerely wasn’t capable of feeling a thing, not even towards the people I knew I loved — like I _knew_ I loved them but I couldn’t feel it) but I’m certain that something ‘broke’ in me, making me incapable of falling in love … whenever I met someone who is interested in me, I reach a point where the idea of a serious relationship triggers my anxiety. Plus the fact that I don’t feel what someone usually feels when they are in love. And I doubt I would found a person who wants what I want (?) which is only companionship. I mean, I could love someone, care for them but I don’t think I’m going to fall in love again and most of the people when they want a relationship, they want all that, so … but it’s okay, I have made my mind with it.

 

 

Carol tilted her head, contemplating how peculiar life could be, making her care so deeply for someone with who had been sharing emails for only one day when she could be indifferent towards people she watched every day for years. With Therese, she was developing a protectiveness that she only had for her nephews but there was also a difference she couldn’t quite put her finger on it to know exactly how nor why they were different.

 

* * *

 

Therese lifted her head from her notebook after hearing the soft sound announcing a new email, having sound today more times than in an entire month. Smirking at her thought, she paused her work halfway through, the messages taking a new priority in her day. She wanted to enjoy the full emotion that this situation was bringing her before it changed.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

Of course, I will send you my picture eventually. I’m actually surprised you haven’t googled me already.

You are braver than me, haha. You are the first person I’ve ever told about this and at the moment it feels like you’ll be the only one. That’s why sometimes I fantasize about going to a remote place where nobody knows who I am and I can live a new life where I can be myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life but I do like the idea of anonymity once I reach the point of retirement and, if I’m lucky enough, be with the woman I love.

I don’t want to be one of the bunch telling you “that’s going to change when you met the right person” but … just kidding, haha. I can’t really talk because I’ve never been in love, you know? I had serious relationships but I never felt one of all the things that someone usually mentions about being in love.

 

 

Therese rolled her eyes, followed by a chuckle, for the first time not finding annoying that someone threw those words at her about finding the right person would make a difference because Carol might not have said it in the end but she surely believed it. She could tell that the other woman was a bright and positive presence, totally opposite to her but Therese supposed it was precisely because of that that she felt pulled at her direction. A sort of balance between light and dark.

 

* * *

 

By this point, Carol wasn’t doing much while she waited for Therese’s response. Lying in bed, her back leaning against the headrest, she spent a few seconds refreshing the page until she realized what she was doing which caused her to mentally reprimand herself before opening a new tab, where she loaded one of the pages where she usually went to distract herself, which only worked for a beat before she was changing the tab and refreshing it once again.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

I want to see you because that’s what you want, not because you don’t have any other option.  
Do you want my picture? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) lmao. Although if you say yes, I’m going to disappoint you because it’s not a recent picture. It’s from 9 or 10 years. It has been a long time since the last time I took one and I can’t change that because my tablet it’s first generation so it doesn’t have a camera. But I haven’t changed much I think, only my hair. It used to be long and now it’s short.

I truly hope you can get what you want :) Everybody deserves to have the opportunity to experience that at least once. Just don’t give up on that, you still have time.

 

 

Carol trapped her lower lip between her teeth, feeling flushed by Therese’s consideration, certain that nobody had done that before. It wasn’t that her fame was equal to an actor or singer but if someone heard her name, it wasn’t long before they linked the dots, giving her a different treatment as if she more special than a regular person, thing she didn’t enjoy at all. So the fact that Therese was giving her the chance of being a simple woman meant everything.

 

* * *

 

Therese rubbed her face, feeling her eyes getting tired. She looked at the screen to check the hour, noticing it was getting closer to the time she usually left the computer though she wasn’t sure that she was going to do it this time. She could keep talking with Carol through the tablet but for some reason, she typed terribly whenever she was there so she definitely preferred the computer.

With her eyes now blankly fixated on the screen (this time seeing the color on the extension she used to notify her about a new email changing instead of paying attention to the sound) she supposed she would stay until Carol told her they would keep talking later because she did have normal (at least definitely more normal than Therese’s) sleeping hours and perhaps it wouldn’t be long before she decided to go to sleep.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

You are really considerate <3 Thank you very much.

Your photo? Absolutely, I would love to meet you, but only if it doesn’t bother you. And there’s no way you could disappoint me, darling, you can be sure of that :)

How has been your experience about being in love?

 

 

Therese took a deep breath, cracking her fingers (she really needed to get rid of such habit) as if she was getting ready to perform a complicated task, deciding to answer Carol’s question first since it would take more time than the other subject.

 

* * *

 

Carol was with her eyes closed, telling herself that she was only resting and not yielding to sleep, not wanting to lose the battle between human needs versus personal desires. She was in the middle point of the reality to listen the notification sound and to startle because of it. At least the anticipation helped her to wash away the sleepiness while she went to open the email.

 

 

From: t.belivet@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: carolross@gmail.com

If it bothered me I wouldn’t have mentioned it. So … there it goes, at the end of the message I would be there so don’t get scared :P

I’ve been in love three times. The first one was a boy, the perfect guy for a first relationship, he was sweet, in love with me and truly loved me, he was reciprocated until I broke his heart by falling in love with a teacher (this is where everything started with older women, lol), where I realized I was attracted to women. I had a fling with that teacher but it was everything one-sided, I always had the feeling that I was like an experiment for her, especially after she never talked to me to tell me we were done, she simply disappeared and the next time I saw her, she was married, and yeah, with a man. The last time, which also happens to be the last time I had a romantic relationship was with someone online, we never met in person, I was eighteen back then and it was also with an older woman— she and the teacher were ten years older than me. It was an on and off relationship for like a year and a half, and back then I was too young to realize that it was a toxic relationship, and not due to our age but because I diminished myself just to keep her happy. It ended badly, she threatened me to tell my mother about us if I didn’t send back some things she sent me after the last time we got back.  
As you can see, up and downs. It’s true that I no longer trust easily because of that, but those are not the reason of why I think I’m incapable to fall in love again.

Here goes the reminder that my picture comes next so … prepare yourself :P  


 

 

Carol was frowning as she read Therese’s experiences, not because she was feeling anger but it was a gesture of deep concentration, one that entirely vanished, her mind emptying when she finished scrolling down through email, leaving only the picture to her eyes, her gaze locking with Therese’s, sending her heartbeat to a galloping rhythm as she felt the intense look was dedicated to her although she knew she wasn’t the case. The gasp was an involuntary reaction as her eyes slowly moved, taking in every feature of the woman she was looking at, unable to calm her heartbeat as she kept admiring.

 

* * *

 

This time, Therese didn’t have to wait long for Carol’s answer, which was surprising, although the fact that it happened when she sent her picture opened endless possibilities.

If she was honest, she had brought the topic of their pictures to the table, expecting Carol’s in return. Quid pro quo. So it was a bummer to see that Carol’s email didn’t come with an attached file but the disappointment didn’t have an opportunity to flourish once she read Carol’s response.

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello.

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

Wow … jesus Therese, you are gorgeous.

 

 

Therese blushed as she smiled, her dimples that not many had the luck to see appearing on her cheeks, feeling her insides mushing pleasantly. The fact that Carol had forgotten about the rest of the topics they were talking about, speaking volumes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm now mixing Therese's and Carol's narration, I want to clarify that Carol's texts will always be on the left side and Therese's on the right one 😉

 

There was an undeniable change after Therese sent Carol her picture, crossing the line they had been toying with since the moment they started to flirt with each other. The terms of endearment between them popped out naturally and they started to behave like more than friends. Therese was the one who boldly started asking more private questions, the kind of things you’d probably only share with someone you were in a relationship with or with someone who had the potential of becoming your partner.

Therese couldn’t deny that she liked it because, despite the fact she hadn’t seen Carol’s picture, she was attracted to her, to her personality. It had reached the point that one day ─ already laying in bed, with her tablet on her chest, holding it with one hand, the other resting on her belly ─ Therese started to touch herself. It was Carol the person in her mind while she did it, she knew it despite she didn’t know how the woman actually looked like.

Barely finishing, she had received an email from Carol, who was waking up from the day, wanting to talk to her before Therese went to sleep, asking her what she had been doing. The young woman hadn’t answered right away, telling that she wouldn’t want to know, because they might have talked about sex but nothing that related them in some way. However, when Carol reminded her that she wanted to know everything she was willing to share with her, Therese told her.

Carol had looked at the words with wide eyes and an open mouth. Her heartbeat turning almost painful as she reread them. She had made the error of asking for details and once Therese shared them, the image of herself riding Therese while her hands held on to her hips to then slid through her stomach towards her breasts didn’t abandon her for the whole day, distracting her from whatever she was doing at the moment, allowing herself to daydream until someone else called her name, bringing her back to the present. It was something that was already happening since she had looked at Therese’s picture, magnifying what she had been feeling for her even though she couldn’t put a name to it yet.

Therese was astonished at how easy it was for her to get closer to Carol, to spend time with her. So easy that the hours went by like seconds when they were together. However, Therese didn’t believe things had changed, she still was a person that fervently believed that love wasn’t in the cards for her, most importantly, that nobody deserved to carry a burden like her. She hadn’t talked to Carol about it because nothing pointed to something more than attraction from her part so Therese didn’t consider it necessary.

At the end of her workdays, Carol was more than eager to go back home so she could talk with Therese. They no longer used email to talk to each other, unless Therese wasn’t on the computer, having moved to the website chat, which gave them the sensation of being closer since they didn’t have to wait for the other’s answers like with the emails, unless they were busy or someone interrupted their time together.

Just as Carol drove her way back to her house, Therese, who was already on the computer, was looking at the time, knowing it was getting closer to speak with her. Trying not to obsess while waiting, she talked with Dannie in the meantime, pulling out her notebook and pencils, leaving the stuff within easy reach. The tab with Carol’s chat was already opened, waiting for the notification sound that would make her look up from her work.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
**Today** 7:09 PM  
  
hey, darling  
  
hey baby. How are you?

 

It amazed Therese that Carol liked that term, even more so that she liked it because in the past, she cringed whenever she listened to it, always linking it with something childish, although it had never been directed to her; but when Carol blurted it out, she raised an eyebrow, taking a moment to digest how she felt about the pet name, deciding she liked it because it was coming from someone that made it sound special and tender.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’m fine. Tired but fine. You?  
  
good

 

Their conversations were no longer exclusively to know each other better ─ they talked about their day, Carol sharing some issues with work whenever she had them or what it could be considered trivial matters. Therese didn’t think she had much to share but nevertheless, she talked about what she had done during the day. It was something that made them feel part of the other’s life even though they weren’t physically present.

Even though the favorite part of Therese’s days was the time she spent with Carol, she followed her routine, leaving the computer at the time she always did, though they moved to the emails until Carol couldn’t remain awake. This day wasn’t the exception but it had an unexpected reaction from Carol, whose tiredness got the best of her. After a frustrating day where she mostly wondered when the people she worked with became incompetent, what Carol wanted was to forget about her stressful day with the only person who made it possible to forget about everything else, so when it was time for Therese to go, her upset mood tricked her into believing that Therese didn’t want to spend more time with her.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
are we going to keep talking by email?  
  
if you want to  
  
I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t want to  
  
okay

 

Carol ran her hands through her face, rubbing her eyes at the time Therese narrowed her eyes at the response she had got. She was able to feel, right away, the change in Carol’s mood, lacking from its normal warmness. For a fleeting moment she was sure that she wasn’t going to take the bait, thinking that whatever it was Carol’s problem, she didn’t care. But in the next second, she sighed, incapable to leave when there was something bothering the other woman.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
what’s wrong?  
  
nothing, Therese

 

That was the clearest proof that something was wrong because since the terms of endearment started, Carol stopped using Therese’s name.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
do you think I’m an idiot?  
  
what? Of course not  
  
then why are you treating me like one by lying to me?  
  
I’m not lying, there’s nothing wrong  
  
so your apathy it’s normal?  
  
I’m just tired

 

Therese closed her eyes, sighing. There was no way she could force Carol to talk if she didn’t want to though it bothered her the vain attempt of keeping the facade that everything was okay when it was obvious that wasn’t the case.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
okay, well, then I’m going

 

Carol pursed her lips after reading Therese’s message, trying to ignore her subconscious who was standing like a snake ready to attack, making her unaware that she was moving her arms, her fingers hovered over the keyboard, typing without thinking.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
okay, I don’t want to keep you here when you don’t want to stay

 

Therese raised her eyebrows, blinking with incredulity. “At least she finally told me what’s going on,” she whispered to herself. She looked at the clock and realized it was a few minutes past the usual time she called Damian, but there was no way she could go now, even when she wished not to care.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you have to be kidding me  
  
are you for real?  
  
that’s how it feels  
  
just because I’m leaving at the usual time I always leave and even when I’m telling you I want to keep talking with you through emails if you are okay with it?

 

Carol knew she was behaving like a child. Therese’s question pointed it out because she was right. She knew that Therese wasn’t leaving because she no longer wanted to spend time with her but because there were plans that had been arranged before she even came to the young woman’s life. In fact, Carol didn’t want Therese to change what constituted her routine, she didn’t want to be a needy nor annoying presence in her life. However, her crappy day didn’t give her the opportunity to think clearly, staining her thoughts. At the moment, the fact that Therese was leaving was giving her the idea that she was leaving her.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I know I’m being silly but I can’t help the way I feel  
  
Carol, I love to spend time with you. If it was possible, I would spend all the time with you until you had to go  
  
but I have some sort of responsibility of spending time with my brother  
  
even when I prefer to stay on the computer to talk to you, I can’t, but that’s why I ask you to keep talking by email, because I don’t want to say goodbye to you just yet

 

If she was honest with herself, there was another reason why Therese wanted to maintain the time she spent with Damian, one that she hadn’t admitted to Carol and it wasn’t because she was a good sister. She had the feeling that if she bent to Carol’s whim, it would be a step in allowing her some sort of control over her. It had happened in the past, in an attempt to avoid drama, Therese did what the other person wanted even if it was something she didn’t want to do, making her lose herself into a dynamic where the other part believed that she was someone willing to do everything they asked for and therefore that involved them somehow.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
okay, I understand  
  
do you?  
  
perhaps not entirely at this very moment but deep down I know you are right  
  
I know I’m acting like a child but I won’t capable to fully wrap my mind around it until I’m able to rest and be in a better mood

 

Despite the baffling situation, Therese liked Carol’s honesty ─ even if it had taken a little bit of incentive to make her talk, she appreciated the fact that Carol didn’t hide the ugliness that entailed this kind of emotions and that she accepted that her mood hadn’t changed even with the clarification. Therese had learned over time that there was nothing you can do against emotions and it was better to simply embrace them.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I respect that. I just wanted to make sure how things are from my side. I get that at the moment, your mind it’s telling you something different but I also want you to have the reality in perspective  
  
I appreciate that. Thank you  
  
anytime, Carol  
  
the last thing I want it’s for you to believe something that has nothing to do with how things really are  
  
so whenever it’s necessary, talk to me so there aren’t misunderstandings  
  
I will try  
  
it’s not something easy for me to do  
  
I get it. It’s not easy for me to open up when it matters either but I’ve dealt with so much uncertainty that I don’t want to experience the same with you  
  
understood :)  
  
are we okay, then?  
  
yes, of course. You did nothing wrong  
  
neither did you, Carol  
  
you even managed to make me stay! Lol

 

Carol grimaced at the message even when she knew it wasn’t a recrimination but a joke. She felt slightly better with Therese’s clarification but she had also been honest about the fact that the root of the problem was her mood and it wouldn’t be entirely right until she was able to rest and forget about her day.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you should go with your brother. I’ve taken so much of your time already  
  
you know I don’t mind, right?  
  
right  
  
but you have to go with him  
  
even if it looks the opposite with what happened just now, I don’t want to be the reason why you stop doing the usual things you do, the things you enjoy to do  
  
I also enjoy being with you, Carol  
  
I know, but this is your brother’s time  
  
I spent my rightful time with you, it’s his turn now  
  
are you sure?  
  
of course

 

Usually, it was bittersweet to say goodbye but this time there only was the bitterness. It was their first time experiencing this kind of situation in their relationship and both women felt the strange sensation that it brought fixing a misunderstanding because even when things were okay between them, there was the need of pondering the reasons of why and what had happened.

 

* * *

 

Therese hadn’t stop musing about what had transpired between them and the next day she had come to the decision that she needed to ask Carol some things. She was dreading it even when she knew it was necessary because after their fight or misunderstanding (whatever it was) it became clear that Carol wanted something more and the last thing Therese wanted to do was to hurt her by being unable to give her what she desired but she believed she was still in time to avoid that, she only needed to remind her with what kind of person she was dealing with.

This time, she couldn’t focus in drawing as she waited for Carol to arrive, deciding it was better to talk with Dannie to put her thoughts in order, not wanting to sound like a retarded unable to find the right words to explain herself when it was time to have the real conversation.

She was startled a while later when she received the notification she was expecting, making her stomach stir with nervousness. However, she didn’t go to the point right away, starting their conversations like normally did, with small talk, asking about her day and telling about hers. When there was no longer a way to keep postponing it, she ran her hands over her face, taking a deep breath.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
can I ask you a question?  
  
of course, always  
  
are you in love with me?

 

Therese was confident that the answer wasn’t going to be affirmative. She believed that Carol would say something along the lines of “I’m heading to that path” which could allow her to stop a catastrophe.

Carol gasped, staring at the last words without actually seeing them, which wasn’t necessary because it felt like they had been engraved on her mind, her heart galloping all of a sudden. Therese’s question was something that caught her unguarded because she hadn’t contemplated it before. Despite such fact, the answer came immediately to her, not needing to ponder about it, as if she had always known. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I am… 

 

There was a mix of emotions on Therese after reading the answer as she leaned down, resting her forehead against the desk. It was flattering, she couldn’t deny it, knowing that someone was interested in you, that liked you even when you were sure there was nothing to like. But most than anything else, there was a dreading sensation pouring from her. This would surely change things, especially once she shared her opinion about it. On the other hand, her pessimism was whispering that Carol might be confused ─ Therese didn’t doubt she had feelings but her but she couldn’t believe that they knew each other enough for her to fall in love, which made her think that Carol was merely smitten and once that she started to show what made her who she was, the woman would open her eyes, ending her infatuation.

The sound of a new message made Therese lift her head, pursing her lips as she held her breath.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
was it too obvious?  
  
no, not really… I sincerely thought the answer was going to be ‘no’  
  
I really don’t know how, when it happened but it did  
  
Carol…   
  
I know, Therese. I know  
  
do you?  
  
I know you don’t feel the same for me  
  
I care deeply for you, Carol and I’m highly attracted to you  
  
I never lied when I told you that you are the perfect woman for me

 

Carol smiled a little, though her eyes filled with tears she managed to not spill, unless until she read the next message. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
but you are looking for something I can’t give you. I wish I could, because if someone deserves all the good things life can offer it’s you… but I’m broken Carol, and you want a person who feels the same way you feel for them and I’m not that person  
  
there are sensations that seems had been forbidden for me because I’m incapable to feel them and even when I can offer you a relationship and commitment, I can’t offer being in love with you

 

A part of Carol was telling her that she should take what Therese was offering because she could have her in that way. But for the other part, the concept was simply dreadful because this was the first time she actually fell in love with someone and she wanted to experience the ride, which according to everyone who had gone through it, was something extraordinary.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I know, Therese. I wasn’t expecting to change your mind magically just by telling you how I feel  
  
I’m sorry  
  
you have nothing to apologize for!  
  
it’s just… it feels like I’m hurting you intentionally  
  
you can’t help what you feel, just like I can’t help it  
  
and I won’t apologize for what I feel, so you shouldn’t either  
  
I wish things were different. I wish you knew me years ago when I was whole so I could offer you everything  
  
you are perfect just the way you are, Therese  
  
*snorts* please…   
  
I’m serious, I like … I love this you, I wouldn’t change anything about it, not even after this conversation

 

Therese angrily brushed away the tears she couldn’t keep at bay any longer. “Fuck this.”

The previous times she had encountered the possibility of a relationship, she never mourned her previous self nor the loss of her emotions. In fact, she was grateful for not having her mind clouded by them, giving her the chance to be rational and speak her mind without a filter. But it was different with Carol. As she had mentioned it with Dannie, it felt like life was cruelly mocking her by putting in her path everything she wanted at some point, knowing that she wasn’t in the right place for what most people wished in a relationship.

Carol looked away from the screen after the realization that Therese wasn’t going to answer right away, which was out of character, lowering her head and closing her eyes tightly. The tears had been running freely a while ago but she didn’t want to lose her composure entirely. It was hard because every feeling felt like it was burning her from inside, desperate to crawl out from her. She took a deep breath when it was time to read the new message but just like the previous time, it was what caused her to lose the control, which was staggering because since she met Therese, she had been more emotional than during her previous relationships combined.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I love you too, Carol… you might not believe it, but I do

 

It was indeed complicated for Carol to believe it because even when she knew there were different types of love, she couldn’t understand how it was possible to be attracted to someone, even loved them but not being in love of that person. However, it wasn’t something that she was going to question at the moment. She wouldn’t submit her heart through more distress that day.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
so now what?  
  
I don’t know… I guess you are the one who should decide that  
  
if you are okay with still talking with me… or not

 

“Jesus Christ, keep it together,” Therese whispered to herself when she felt the tears threatening to fall by the thought of Carol walking out of her life. How it was possible that this woman had made her way to her heart in so little time that the simple idea of not being part of her life was so heartbreaking?     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’m not going to stop talking to you, Therese  
  
unless that’s what you want  
  
no, that’s not what I want at all  
  
then we are going to throw that option away  
  
we might have to stop treating us the way had been doing it though  
  
yeah, I guess you are right

 

Both women sighed, knowing the task they had to face wouldn’t be entirely easy to do because treating each other with so much love blossomed naturally between them, something that felt right that they never felt the need to question it, much less contain it when it was clear that the other part approved the reception. Holding it back felt like trying to suppress a water leak with their hands.

The following days proved it, making them hard for both of them. Their interactions expectedly suffered the most, making their time together slightly strained. Therese always thought twice before saying something to Carol, not wanting to give mixed signals and make the other woman feel like a yo-yo by saying something and then acting the other way around. Carol noticed it, as if a wall appeared between them, and even when it frustrated and hurt her, she wouldn’t say anything about it because she believed it was necessary, in an attempt to control her feelings and avoid them to develop any further.

At the moment, their conversation was heading to a dead end. They haven’t reached the point of uncomfortableness nor not knowing what to say but in Therese’s case, she was now unsure of what topics they could deal with, which why she left Carol leading their conversations. Fortunately, Carol was quick to hold the reins so they never stay in silence and things turned awkward between them.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I just remembered I never sent you my picture  
  
yeah, I remember that clearly

 

One of the corners of Carol’s mouth lifted a bit with amusement at Therese’s sarcasm. She couldn’t even tell why she hadn’t sent her picture to Therese before but she appreciated that the young woman never pushed it even though it was clear that she craved it. Perhaps part of her was afraid that Therese wouldn’t find her attractive and things would change but since that had happened nevertheless, she imagined there wasn’t anything stopping her now.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’ll change that now  
  
all right  
  
I’ll send you two pictures  
  
one is to show the magic of photoshop so you can compare it with the other one which is more natural since I’m in an event  
  
hahaha, okay

 

Therese sighed. She knew that Carol had brought this just to not allow their conversation to die. However, she wouldn’t put a stop at the opportunity of finally knowing what Carol looked like, for which, without wasting time, she went to her email at the moment she received the notification, hesitating one second before clicking to open it.    

 

 

From: carolross@gmail.com

Subject: Photos

To: t.belivet@gmail.com

 

 

Therese’s eyes widened when she looked at the pictures at the time she gasped. “Goddammit.” Now she had the confirmation that Carol was even perfect for her physically. In both pictures she looked gorgeous, even a blind person could tell, but she decided that she definitely preferred the one where she looked more natural as she traced the laugh lines. “Of course she had to be stunning. Of fucking course.” She wondered if she would ever stop feeling like life was laughing at her.

Carol was nibbling her lower lip as she waited. She knew that she was attractive for some people, she even considered herself beautiful but not like the kind of women she usually created clothes for that had an undeniable and obvious beauty. Therese had claimed that she was attracted to her without knowing how she looked but now she would and it might be not everything she wanted but Carol selfishly wanted to keep her attraction to herself.

When she received Therese’s message, Carol closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before reading it.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you are magnificent, Carol… 

 

For what it felt like an eternity since the last time she did it (at least sincerely), Carol grinned, Therese’s sincere admiration reaching her through the screen with those few words, knowing that she wasn’t the kind of person that would lie to make her feel better, making her heart swell with nothing but happiness, pushing away any trace of melancholy that she had been feeling for the last few days for the time being.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely doubt that I'll keep you waiting this long for the next chapter, that only happened because I wanted to finish Bonded so I can be entirely dedicated to this one now. Life has turned busy but I'll not abandon this story; however, I don't think it's going to be possible for me to update every week as you were used to, but believe me, I spend my free time writing 😉


	6. Chapter 6

Carol gazed from the window where she had been looking at every person passing outside the establishment without paying much attention to what they were doing, to the chocolate cake that was placed on the middle of the table, immediately lifting her eyes next to the man sitting in front of her as she raised an eyebrow.

“I know I’m a little late so that’s my way to apologize. I know you can’t resist chocolate,” he smiled charmingly at her.

Carol rolled her eyes but it didn’t take long before a smile was curving her lips. “You certainly know how to charm a woman, Abby.” She reached out for the plate, pulling it towards her, not caring that she was going to start her meal with dessert.

“It’s about survival, my dear Carol.” He rested his arms on the table, smiling contentedly when the woman started to eat. “I know how moody you get when you have to wait. I didn’t want you to bite my head off.”

Carol managed to laugh elegantly with a closed mouth full of cake. “And yet, this happens often.” She narrowed her eyes, licking her lips clean. “I’m starting to think that it’s an evil plan to fatten me.”

Abby placed his hand on his chest. “Moi? The person who believes that you should be modeling the clothes instead of making them?”

Carol quickly snapped back. “Never gonna happen, Abigail.”

Abby narrowed his eyes. “You are the only one that gets away with calling me like that, you know?”

Carol looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “That is your name, isn´t it?” she sassed.

“Everyone, even the people I work with calls me Abby.”

“Believe me, ‘Abby’ doesn’t help your case in your attempt to masculinize your name.” She chuckled. “I love the fact that your parents never bothered to think into a different name once they found out you weren’t a girl.”

“Great parents I have,” he mumbled. He did love his parents but he would always resent the name they gave him although for some strange reason he never changed it.

“At least you are not the only man with that name.” She took another bite of the cake with an amused smile. Abby’s name was always something Carol loved to tease him with. “But I have to admit that I’ve always wondered why didn’t you changed it if you dislike it that much.”

“I guess I got used to it,” he shrugged. “And I didn’t go through all the mocking for nothing.” It definitely made him stronger and indifferent to many things that would easily affect other people. “It’s would be easier for me to have a sex change surgery than change my name.”

“That would be counterproductive. You love women too much to become one. You would be too distracted with yourself.”

Abby laughed loud enough to draw some people’s attention. “That’s true. I would be self-sexual.” He lifted an eyebrow with confusion. “Is that a thing?”

“How should I know? There are so many types of sexuality that I can’t keep up with all of them.” She didn’t mind though, it wasn’t any of her business to decide how many there should be but trying to keep all that information was too much, especially when she couldn’t even label herself.

She had had a long conversation with Therese about that and gender.

In her youth, Carol had known a young woman for whom she had felt admiration and competitiveness in an attempt to draw the girl’s attention but even right now, she couldn’t define if it had been something more. It was only with Therese with whom she could say, with enough certainty, that she was attracted to a woman for the first time. On the other side, Therese had shared with her the path she had been through to discover herself. If Carol had to admit it, it had been very confusing but she respected it.

Carol sighed, moving the now empty plate to the side. She couldn’t even spend a few hours without thinking about her.

“Are you okay?”

Carol noted that Abby looked slightly concerned when she gazed at him. Part of her wished to be completely sure that people wouldn’t act differently with her if she shared what was going on with her life, or to be bold enough to not care if it happened. “Yeah,” she finally said. “I’m just tired thinking in what’s coming next week.”

“Mmm.” He nodded in understanding. “You’re traveling, right?” Carol nodded, her eyes leaving his face when he placed his hand on hers. “You need to forget about the forthcoming stress unless until you are facing it.” Momentarily he looked away from her, pondering for a second. “You want to go out tonight? It has been a while since the last time we did something together.” Once again, he was wearing his charming smile that automatically made Carol smile though she didn’t answer right away.

Therese appeared in her mind again, making her hesitate for a brief moment. Since they started talking, a day has not gone by without talking to each other; and Carol, willingly had avoided getting out with friends to spend all her free time with her, a thing she didn’t regret at all but she supposed, after everything that had been happening between them the previous days, that it was time to move on and go back to the way her life had been before meeting her.

“Sure, why not?”

 

* * *

 

Therese was trying really hard to do the things she needed to do without paying attention to the fact that it was past 10:00 PM, almost her time to go and she hadn’t had news about Carol in all day. Even when she kept in mind that Carol didn’t owe her anything and therefore she didn’t have to tell her about every move she made, it was concerning not having received a message by now.

Trying to push away her thoughts, she looked back to her notebook. This time she wasn’t keeping up with the history she had in progress, having the need to draw something different. Her style had always been anime-like but at the moment, that wasn’t the case. Her hand was moving, trying to replicate a pair of blue-gray eyes that were stuck in her head. She had never felt the desire to draw portraits but the moment she had seen Carol, she knew that hers, it was the kind of beauty that had to be engraved in every way. However, Therese always ended up erasing all the progress she had done during the day, frustrated because, in her opinion, she wasn’t doing justice to the woman.

When she reached that point, she smacked the pencil over her notebook with frustration, taking her hands to her head to rub her forehead with her fingertips as her elbows made contact with the desk. But she didn’t have much time to wallow in what she considered her failures because a sound coming from the computer, caught her attention.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
hello  
  
hey! I was starting to worry. How are you?  
  
you were? Why?  
  
well, I know it’s so much earlier where you are but it’s unusual to hear from you this late and my mind usually thinks the worst

 

Therese winced. She had been scolding herself since the moment she blurted out her concern but that could be expected because it was natural to care for someone’s well-being, especially if they were important to you, romantically or not. But she didn’t want to give Carol the impression that she expected to know where she was at all times. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I usually write you during my mealtime but today a friend unexpectedly invited me to lunch and I got distracted  
  
I see  
  
so everything’s okay?  
  
yes, absolutely, I’m fine  
  
you don’t have to worry about me  
  
a little too late for that

 

Carol couldn’t help but smile, her heart somersaulting before she took a deep breath in an attempt to keep her emotions in check. She asked Therese about her day and after a moment of small talk, she recalled something she had been pondering about. The restaurant where she and Abby had eaten was in a plaza and as their made it to Carol’s car, the woman’s attention had been drawn to a store that caused her to halt, her brain working in contemplation until Abby (who after a few seconds realized the woman wasn’t next to him when his comment went unanswered) asked her if she wanted to go inside. She had shaken her head no, wanting to be alone if she decided to do it. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you think it would be too weird if I want to give you a birthday present?  
  
to me?  
  
mmm, I can understand why you want to do it but at the same time it would be surprising  
  
why?  
  
I share the sentiment of wanting to give something to people you appreciate but it’s surprising because we haven’t known each other for that long and I’m amazed that in so little time you have developed the desire to give me a birthday present  
  
but you would be okay if I do it?  
  
I would be flattered that you want to give me something, yeah  
  
and perhaps a little bit bashful  
  
okay  
  
I don’t think that’s bad

 

They continued their conversation, with Carol leading, wanting to know how Therese was and about her day since she had already talked a little bit about hers though she dwelled a little bit more in it afterwards, as the clock ticked, the hour when Abby would come to pick her getting closer, and doubt crawled upon her. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
my friend, with whom I went to lunch, invited me to go out tonight  
  
I was so convinced to go in the afternoon but now I’m not, haha  
  
where would you guys go?  
  
I didn’t ask if I’m honest  
  
but we had been friends for years so he knows me pretty well and what I like to do

 

Therese tilted her head, shifting on the chair. She couldn’t explain how but she sensed there was something beneath so she asked more questions to be sure before she blurted out the comment that was swirling in her head. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you know he likes you, right?

 

Carol’s eyes widened as her lips parted, amazed that Therese had been capable to see that with the little information she had shared. The young woman had claimed she was good at reading people but it was something very different to be a witness of such trait. Especially when she had nailed it. She was aware of Abby’s attraction, hard not to when the man shamelessly flirted with her. It had never bothered her, he was her friend and respectful in his ways to show it; and today, after feeling what for her had been a rejection from Therese’s part, it had been nice to know there were people who wanted her although she would never act based on that. She liked Abby and to flirt with him but not to the point of someday doing something about it. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
uhm … yes  
  
why wouldn’t you want to go with him?  
  
it’s not that kind of date, we are just friends  
  
right  
  
but why won’t you go out with him when you agree to do it before?

 

The answer was simple: because of Therese. During the day, it was easy for Carol to detach herself from her and what she made her feel, making Carol capable to think logically and strong enough to agree that they didn’t have any future. But now that they were together, it was as if everything, including her common sense, had vanished and Carol could only follow what her heart dictated. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I prefer to stay here with you

 

Therese closed her eyes. It was so easy to dive back to how things had been between them because their feelings hadn’t vanished or disappeared, they were simply trying to hold them back. It was an easy task when they didn’t spend time together but when they did, it felt like someone was teasing them with the most delicious dessert in the world and they were on a diet. As much as Therese craved for things to be like they used to be without anyone suffering, she knew it wasn’t possible, which why she had to put a stop to it before it got out of hand. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you should go out with him  
  
why?  
  
he can offer you something I can’t  
  
and I’m not even talking about being in love, I’m talking about being physically present  
  
even if you don’t like him in that way, my point is that you shouldn’t waste any opportunity, with him or with someone else

 

Carol took a deep breath, pursing her lips. She wouldn’t start crying. She refused to be weak. Therese’s attempt to push her away hurt deeply, but she wouldn’t show it, especially when she had walked on her own to this moment. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
all right 

 

* * *

 

Like a gentleman, Abby walked Carol to the door after their outing. For a few hours, Carol had been capable to enjoy herself, Abby never failing in making her have a good time, this time by taking her to the opera, which was one of her favorite things to do.

After opening the door, Carol turned around to face the man, who looked at her questioningly as he leaned down towards her, slowly to give her the chance to answer the unspoken question that Carol had seen several times. Her answer was always the same and this time wasn’t the exception: Carol shook her head no once with a soft smile, which Abby answer with a nod in understanding, diverting his approach to Carol’s cheek, placing a soft and quick kiss there, respecting the woman’s wishes.

“Thank you for a very pleasant evening,” he said after pulling back.

“I’m the one who should thank you because you were right, I really needed this.” It had fulfilled its purpose of distracting her from everything. “It was a great night.”

“It sucks that we are usually so busy that we can’t do this often.” He ran a hand through his hair, brushing it back.

“Let’s look at the bright side, in this way you don’t get sick of me,” Carol joked.

“That wouldn’t be possible. You are an extraordinary woman, Carol.”

Carol looked at Abby as if she was a scientific facing something curious, thinking how funny it was that Abby’s compliments didn’t affect her in the slightest and Therese’s left her like a pile of mush. “Thank you,” she finally said. “You are not so bad either.”

Abby chuckled. “Have a good night, Carol.”

“You too.” She smiled softly, waiting until Abby made his way to the car to get into her house.

Once inside, Carol leaned against the door, looking at the ceiling for a moment before closing her eyes. She hadn’t lied when she said she had had a good night and that it had distracted her. At least from work because there was no successful way to put Therese out of her mind. Most of the night, Carol had daydreamed about how would it be to enjoy such an evening with her, sharing what it was an unforgettable time together, followed by what could be considered a romantic dinner to deepen their connection.

The young woman was under her skin and it was as endearing as frustrating.

When Carol opened her eyes, she put herself in motion towards her room, thinking that there should be a way to move on from the limbo she felt in. The current situation wasn’t working for her, making her feel like a masochist incapable of being away from the person that inadvertently caused her suffering and there was no way she couldn’t accept what Therese offered when she wanted more. Her mind had been whispering the last option possible but Carol refused to acknowledge it because it would end up breaking her already wounded heart. However, right now, it felt like there wasn’t any other option if she wanted to avoid her heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first obvious option was to make Harge Carol’s friend interested in her. However, it’s very hard for me to see Harge accepting only a friendship, he would always try and push to the point it would become an annoying presence. That’s why I turned Abby into a man, because I needed the character to be a man and I didn’t want to do the part with an original character when Abby’s personality works for what I needed: an amazing person who’s able to accept that someone don’t want to have a relationship with them despite the attraction/flirting and still be a good friend.


	7. Chapter 7

Therese had been tormenting herself with thoughts of Carol’s non-date all night, filling her head with images of the woman actually following her advice and moving on with a person with whom she could be with. It made her feel like a hypocrite for telling Carol one thing and suffering when she followed through.

In an attempt to downplay her emotions, she decided to play video games instead of watching a movie during her time with her brother, shooting zombies to ignore the upsetting sensation she had been experiencing after the conversation she had with Carol. The distraction worked for a while until they decided to stop since it was getting late and they were getting hungry.

After the siblings ate and said goodnight, Therese went back to her bedroom. She didn’t see any point on turning the computer on after seeing the hour (it was normal for them to lose track of time when playing video games) so she dropped on her bed, belly down after placing her drawing tools nearby. She had stopped her attempts at drawing Carol, resuming the work she had in progress. For almost an hour, she didn’t move from her position, until she cursed at a mistake she made, double-cursing when she didn’t see her eraser anywhere.

Therese stretched when she stood up, her body thanking her for the action, before looking out for the object. Not finding it, Therese narrowed her eyes before she sighed, as if she was giving up, knowing that she would have to pull out a new one. Sitting on the edge of the left side of the bed, she leaned down to open the last drawer of the small desk that was next to it.

Therese momentarily froze when she saw a metallic box after opening the drawer, immediately knowing what was inside even though she hadn’t needed it in years. Nevertheless, she reached for it, recalling its contents on her mind as she opened it: a small bottle of alcohol, band-aids and a small box that contained several razors.

It wasn’t like Therese had forgotten about its existence because her anxiety always whispered that she counted with such escape within easy reach and she wouldn’t deny that in some occasions had been tempting but she had stopped self-harming over almost six years ago and even though she couldn’t get rid of the temptation, there was an inexplicable strength within her that she had no idea how she had gained which made her stay away from it.

It was a need hard to explain for the people who had asked about it but the best way she could put it was to say it was like an addiction. Some people drank or smoked whenever they felt anxious or stressed; for someone like her that didn’t found such flavors pleasing, she resolved into cutting herself. The first day she had done it, Therese had been feeling her life spiraling so out of control to the point she felt an internal itch, a desperate sensation that was making breathe like an impossible task, and everywhere she looked, Therese couldn’t find a way to stop it. So she had punched the wall with frustration, the pain giving an unexpected calming sensation which made her want to repeat the action but the throb on her knuckles made her aware that she wouldn’t be capable to do it with the same strength. However, it helped her to know what she needed, her gaze quickly searching for what would help her to achieve it, taking the knife pocket once she found it. Her hand was trembling as she moved the razor blade to her wrist but when it made contact, the trembling stop, giving her a sensation of reassurance instead of impotence, knowing that finally, she would be capable to control one of the many things that happened to her ─ in this way, she could control the when, the how, the why, the amount of pain it would be inflicted to her.

Therese closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

She knew she had come so far with the simple fact of leaving that unhealthy habit behind on her own, no matter how helpful it had been for her in the past. But this was another reminder of why she wasn’t the right person for someone like Carol. The woman didn’t deserve someone who had been willing to hurt herself without a second thought, someone who didn’t see life appealing, someone who considered herself a toxic and negative presence in other people’s lives. Nobody deserved this kind of baggage, much less Carol, who had proven to be one of the most formidable people Therese had ever met. She couldn’t ruin her in any way so no matter how much it pained Therese, she fervently believed she had done the right thing by pushing Carol away.

 

* * *

 

Carol had been thinking about what she would say to Therese all day. There was no turning back, as she was sure that this would actually make a difference instead of the pull and back they had been going through. She knew it wasn’t something she could blurt out the first moment she started to talk to Therese, however, she couldn’t delay it for long, afraid that she would lose the courage that she had gathered.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I need to speak with you  
  
that’s never good  
  
I just… I can’t say if it’s good or not  
  
but I believe it’s something we… at least I, need to do  
  
what is it?  
  
I’m sure you have felt our interactions strained  
  
yeah  
  
I’ve tried to not be too affected by it but it has been hard due to my feelings  
  
you pushing me away, even though I understand it and respect it, hurts me and doesn’t help my case

 

Therese’s eyebrows furrowed with anguish. It was slightly comforting that Carol knew that she wasn’t hurting her on purpose but she had tried to avoid any kind of suffering and knowing that she hadn’t been able made her feel like she had failed, proving her point that Carol was probably better without her. Perhaps the woman was finally realizing that.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
so what do you want to do?  
  
I need time, Therese  
  
I need time to get myself together and put all these feelings away, locked them up

 

Carol held her breath with worry. Therese’s heart clenched with anguish. Oh, yeah, she finally realized the truth. 

The situation gave Therese mixed feelings ─ frustration for the point they have reached and the fact that Carol hadn’t been able to contain her feelings, which made her feel ashamed because she knew it wasn’t easy to ignore what you feel; irritation with herself for being a robot who couldn’t function like a normal human being. Though sadness was overriding.

But it didn’t matter how this could affect her. The important thing was that Carol didn’t end up heartbroken because of her and Therese was willing to accept anything just to prevent that.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you mean stop talking?  
  
just for a couple of days  
  
I’m sure I could go back to my detached persona soon enough  
  
if you think that’s the best option...  
  
if I’m honest, Therese, I’m not even sure  
  
but I can’t keep going like this  
  
okay, I understand

 

Therese couldn’t blame Carol. She hadn’t been looking to push her away, just trying to never make her forget the reality she faced when it came to her, which was easy to momentarily do when their interactions where naturally affectionate. Sadly, Therese always came to her senses sooner or later, forcing her to place back the warning sign. It was normal that at some point, the other woman had enough of that.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
but there’s something I need to ask you...  
  
anything  
  
I want you to make love to me  
  
I have you under my skin, Therese  
  
and the best way to move forward it’s to do something about it

 

It was good that Therese wasn’t eating nor drinking something like she sometimes did when she was in front of the computer because she was sure that if she had had something in her mouth, by now it would be on the screen and keyboard. Her stomach somersaulted and her heart started to beat wildly in the next second once the words settled in.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I don’t want you to answer just yet  
  
think about it  
  
I have some things to go over to prepare for my trip so I will be here when you come back from your time with your brother

 

Therese could only blink in bewilderment, mouth open and mind in blank. Of all the possible things, she never imagined Carol would ask something like this, especially because the woman was slightly coy whenever they talked about sex.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
all right

 

* * *

 

More than ever, Therese wished the time she spent with Damian passed by quickly. She sincerely enjoyed their time together but she was incapable to stop thinking about Carol’s petition, which distracted her but it was a huge perk that she was a quiet person so her brother didn’t suspect a thing. They resumed their playing from the previous day but this time, Therese was aware of the time so she could tell Damian about going to eat at a decent hour. Unfortunately, this day, her brother wasn’t ready to go to his bedroom afterwards, following Therese to hers. The young woman was ready to scream.

Carol was bouncing her leg when Therese came back, during one of the many pauses she had done from packing the things she would need for her trip, when she wondered if she had lost her mind for what she asked from Therese. She didn’t regret it but she had to admit that it had been a spurt of the moment. All day she had been thinking about telling Therese about taking a few days to regroup so her brain was once again in control instead of her heart; she hadn’t any additional intentions, but once she was facing what it would supposedly be the end of one of the most special interactions she had ever had, Carol decided to take the bull by the horns, surrendering one last time to her heart’s desires.

Lost in her thoughts, Carol startled when her laptop beeped, but she quickly left the clothes she was holding over the suitcase she had placed on her bedroom’s sofa to sit on the bed, placing the device on her lap. Even though she was eager to know if Therese had an answer, she didn’t bring the subject until later.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
did you think about my request?  
  
impossible to think about something else  
  
and what’s your answer?  
  
first of all... are you sure about this?  
  
I wouldn’t have asked otherwise  
  
fair enough  
  
in that case, I accept

 

Carol held her breath for a second, feeling equally relieved as nervous. She no longer had to worry about rejection, only about the prospect about how would they do this, feeling like a virgin about to experience her first time.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
we only have to wait a little because my brother is here in my room ¬¬  
  
seriously?!  
  
damn!  
  
he said he was leaving but he’s not moving ¬¬  
  
in the meantime I have to ask, are you really sure about this knowing that this it’s going to be a goodbye to whatever kind of romantic interaction we were having?  
  
I am, and I’ll take what I can get, Carol  
  
what do you mean?  
  
that if this is the only way I can have you, I’m going to take it  
  
whatever you want to give me, I’ll take it

 

It was ironic for Therese to say that when both knew that Carol was more than willing to give her everything, the problem was that she couldn’t accept it. She knew that it must be frustrating to be at the receiving end of those “ _I can’t_ ” because how it was possible to say such thing when part of her _wanted to_? Which why Therese had explained her situation to Carol’s in the best way she could ─ she felt like she was living inside a dark room, a room that had become her home after years of living in it since it gave her the comfort and security that she needed after knowing what was inside. She had the opportunity to look outside through a window to see what happened around but she never came out, scared of the unknown, never feeling that she was missing a thing; after all, her best friend, came to visit her from time to time, not afraid to step inside. Therese would always be grateful for Dannie’s presence, knowing that she counted with what was needed to be in this kind of place without being influenced because Therese never wanted her to be in the position she was in, knowing what it entailed.

There had been people outside that looked towards the room and looked at her, curious to come closer but Therese never felt the desire to go out or to let them in, because they didn’t understand. Some didn’t care at all about her situation, which provided her with fleetings but nice interactions; others wanted her to step outside for them, not caring how it could affect her. There had been a couple of people who had been her friends for a while who like Dannie (though not really because she never left her), came to visit her inside, but sooner or later, they learned that it wasn’t a healthy environment and never returned. Every interaction making Therese think that it was better to stay in the darkness where nobody could see her and she couldn’t see anybody, feeling the comforting embrace of solitude because nothing would be able to harm her in that way.

A case of survival instead of living.

Until Carol came to the picture.

The woman had knocked on the door bravely, wanting to know what was inside but without stepping in, presenting Therese a world she had forgotten but never forcing her to come out. After that, Therese had left the door open. Ajar. Nevertheless, it was a huge step considering things. Wanting to see the woman, to feel a little closer to her every time she came around. But Therese never invited her in, knowing that a person like her couldn’t be in a place like this, and not because she considered her weak. Carol was pure light, the most brightful and strong Therese had ever seen but she considered she had the same strength in form of darkness, and she didn’t want to be the cause that such light extinguished. Because of this, Therese fervently believed things couldn’t work between them.

Her diseases still had the reins of her life, for which Therese wasn’t ready to come out of the room and it frustrated her now that she had met someone so extraordinary, knowing that she had to give up on her because she wasn’t what Carol needed.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
all right then  
  
has your brother left already?  
  
nooo  
  
I hate him so much right now!  
  
hahaha  
  
though me too...  
  
hahahaha  
  
I’m going to rest my eyes a little, okay?  
  
I’ll come back in a few  
  
okay, come here *pats my chest* so I can play with your hair until you fall asleep and hug you

 

Therese wasn’t offended with Carol’s departure, knowing the woman had lost sleep time to spend time with her some days so whenever it was possible, she supported her idea of taking a nap, which usually turned into seeing her until the next day. Besides, it felt as if Therese accompanied her whenever they narrated actions as if they were presently together, a thing they started to do a few days ago, before their attempt of acting just like friends.

Damian finally left, a few minutes after Carol’s message. Unsure if the woman was going to be back tonight, Therese decided to write, not wanting to ignore Carol’s request, even if it meant leaving the messages for her to read in the morning. However, she was pleasantly surprised by Carol’s return as she was writing.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
has he left already?  
  
yes, not long ago  
  
but I didn’t want to wake you up… at the same time, I was writing you something  
  
I’m up, I’m up  
  
finally alone  
  
ok so… since you want me to make love to you and it’s also your first time with a woman, I’d like to focus on you only...  
  
nooo, what about you?  
  
I want you to enjoy with me  
  
who says I’m not going to do it?!  
  
you asked me to make love to you and that’s what I’m going to do

 

Carol bit her lower lip, shivering. A slow smile curving her lips, undeniably pleased by Therese’s answer.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
ohhh, I liked that  
  
you have to tell me what to do  
  
for the moment, just read, okay?  
  
ok

 

Therese took a deep breathe, closing her eyes, as if she was mentally preparing herself. It wasn’t like she was feeling this was some kind of task but nevertheless she didn’t want to make Carol feeling like the experience was lacking in any way. She wanted to make this remarkable for her. For both of them. After their conversation and the clarification that this was going to be a one-time-only situation, Therese didn’t want to miss the opportunity of being intimate with a woman that she was convinced anybody would do anything to have the chance to be with and she wanted to make it special for Carol.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
so… I picture us in the middle of the room, in front of the bed  
  
with my right hand I cup your face, making eye contact all the time while I get closer to you to give you one of those kisses that leave us breathless and make us shiver  
  
we break apart to catch our breaths and I start to undress you slowly, leaving soft kisses at the skin that it’s revealed, captivating looking what’s in front of me  
  
this time I would kiss you softly and tenderly, as if what we are about to do wasn’t in our plans  
  
my hands caress your skin reverently… I only let you move so you can undress me and once we are naked, I take your hands, guiding you towards the bed  
  
I sit on the edge first, looking you up and down before pulling you towards me so you can straddle me, our bodies making contact as our arms wrap around each other and we lean forward to kiss

 

Carol shifted on the bed, going from her lying down position to a sitting one, placing a pillow against the headboard so she could rest against it, getting into a more comfortable position, crossing her legs to put the laptop on her lap, momentarily in denial that Therese’s words were already having an effect on her. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I try to show my desire for you in that action, making more pressure between our bodies so you can feel the way mine reacts to you… the way I start to pant, my nipples hardening, and my nails softly scratching your skin in an act of contained desperation  
  
I avoid touching the places where you crave my touch as I slid through your chin towards your clavicle, nibbling gently at the time one of my hands strokes the curve of one of your breasts in a brief brush that makes you shiver  
  
my thumb brushes one of your nipples almost by accident, instead of looking like I’m teasing you… my lips now slide between your breasts until they moved to the one I’m not touching, leaving feather-like kisses and when I get closer to your nipple, I only caress it with my breath… and I can feel your body writhing, eager for more, making me smile  
  
but before doing what you want  
  
I lift my eyes to make eye contact… and when your eyes lock with mine, I touch your nipple with my tongue, finally placing my hand on your other breast, squeezing it without hurting you

 

Carol closed her eyes, resting her head on the wall, parting her lips a bit, letting out a soft gasp, followed quickly by the clearing of her throat. When she took a deep breath, she looked down, noticing her nipples through the shirt though she wasn’t really surprised. She had never done this kind of thing before so she had no idea if it was going to cause any reaction but her attraction for Therese was undeniable and now she had the physical proof.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
without looking away from you, I circle your nipple until it’s covered with my saliva and then I took it in my mouth to suck it softly  
  
and I can’t help myself, I move my body against yours, trying (in vain) to make contact between our pussies so you can feel how wet I am for you  
  
with a pop, I free your nipple, only to give the same attention to the other, loving the way your hands feel on my hair, pulling me closer to you, wanting more…   
  
my hands are now tracing your shape, stroking from your ribs downwards, moving inwards when I reach your stomach, the one I caress with my fingertips, moving to your lower belly  
  
I softly squeeze your hips when my hands rest on them, only briefly, eager to keep feeling the soft sensation of your skin under my hands, stroking your thighs up and down before diverting to the inside, gracing your crotch as my knuckles brush your pussy, but without making full contact, just to drive you crazy

 

Carol’s body was reacting at every word. Goosebumps were bursting in every pore, her stomach fluttering with desire, making her squirm whenever she felt her panties growing wetter, her fingers were clenching the blanket, pulling softly at it. If she closed her eyes, she could easily imagine what Therese was describing, strong enough that she could actually feel as if she was being touched. It amazed her the power the young woman had on her with only words.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
only until you start to… not exactly beg, but the need it’s painfully clear in the way you say my name, my fingers touch your pussy, from your entrance to your clit, the one I rub slowly and gently…   
  
by then, I can no longer focus on your breasts, I have to look at you… at the way you react to me  
  
and you, feeling my eyes on you, look back at me, and it’s only then when I enter you, slowly… making you feel every moment  
  
and god, Carol, I love the way you feel, so hot, so tight, so wet… 

 

Carol clenched her legs together as she read, arching her back away from the wall momentarily, a soft moan escaping from her slightly parted lips. She hadn’t even noticed when she had placed the laptop on the bed, close to her to be able to keep reading, to put a hand on her thigh. The touch lasted for her to notice that the muscles under her touch were tense, following next to her lower belly.

She bit her lower lip as she played with the elastic of her shorts, almost as if she was pondering about what she was going to do but Therese’s last message was all she needed to shove her hand under her clothes, her fingers confirming that they were accurate.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
Therese...  
  
and for a long time we would be like that… my fingers moving in and out, very slowly… and I’m writhing on my spot, trying to ignore my growing need for you touch  
  
but you, not entirely lost in your desire, are able to notice it and you move so you are straddling only one of my legs so one of yours end between mine and you move it forward so your knee makes contact with my pussy, making me gasp and react immediately by grinding on you  
  
yes, baby, just like that, I want you to enjoy with me too

 

Carol had noticed that Therese’s messages didn’t come as quickly as before, deducing that what she had written during her absence had been posted already and now she was resuming the writing for which she imagined it would be okay to add her reactions.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
even though I had other plans, my mind can only focus on how turned on I am, desperate to come so just as I quicken the movement of my hips, I do it too with my fingers… but not enough to take you over the edge with me because that’s not what I want  
  
so after I come, I have to take a moment to kiss you, captivated by how wonderful and perfect you are and the way you look over me, panting and slightly sweating  
  
but then, unexpectedly, I wrap an arm around your waist, standing up and flipping you on the bed with your legs falling over the edge, quickly kneeling in front of you, placing my hands on your knees to part your legs and kiss the inside of your thighs, making my way to your sex

 

Carol half-moaned half-groaned, chuckling a bit at Therese’s teasing, slowing the movements of her hand, wanting to follow the other woman’s actions to make it more real to then place her feet on the mattress, raising her hips as if she was giving Therese more space to do what she wanted, parting her legs wide in an act of total surrender.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I first kiss your sex, almost tenderly, to then teasingly stroke between your labia with the tip of my tongue  
  
Therese, please… I’m shaking  
  
you taste so delicious that I became greedy… so my tongue slides inside you, wanting to devore more of you  
  
and I love the way your hips buck against my face… 

 

Carol closed her eyes for a moment as her hips moved exactly like Therese said, imagining so vividly that what was between her legs was the young woman’s head instead of her own hand, that it was her tongue sliding through her swollen lips before dipping into her entrance instead of her own fingers.   

 

Carol/Therese  
  
that’s my clue to know you are close, so, I pull my tongue out of you, slowly, and without breaking contact with your sex, I lick up to your clit where I mix lickings and suctions, feeling your wetness all over my face…   
  
it’s all for you…   
  
no one else  
  
oh fuck…   
  
and when you are about to come, my hands, which were on your belly because I had hooked my arms under your legs, search for yours, interwinding our fingers together, and I stare at you with fascination, feeling horny all over again because you are just so beautiful and sexy, arching your back as your body stiffens and your legs squeeze me as if you never want to let me go

 

Carol never imagined it was possible to feel everything she was feeling. She had expected to feel horny and more than anything, frustrated, believing she wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience the bliss that came of being intimate with the person she desired. However, she was befuddled at the sensation of feeling like Therese was actually with her, the young woman reaching her in ways that nobody has done it before, even when others had the chance to be face to face with her.

The soft but frequent tremors let her know that she was beginning to lose the control of her body, a light layer of sweat covering it, currently feeling a soft tingling between her fingers as if they were being brushed. She was looking through narrowed eyes and her eyelashes helped to create a silhouette that caused her lose her mind faster.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
and if I’m honest, most likely I’ll stay between your legs, wanting to make you come again… though this time with my hands so I’ll move you to the middle of the bed so I can rest on it too, laying my head on your belly, looking down to see my fingers sliding inside you effortlessly, losing my breath at the image  
  
more, please more… go deeper  
  
and I do everything you ask for, because I want this moment to be unforgettable and perfect for you  
  
just keep going  
  
do what you have to do, anything you want  
  
I’m yours

 

Therese had been keeping it together until those words. Her desire had raised rather quickly but she was focused on driving Carol crazy that she had been ignoring, calming it a bit with occasionally squirming on the chair. But after Carol’s words, she couldn’t stop her hand venturing under her sweatpants any longer. She would take a little longer to write with only one hand but she was convinced that Carol would understand if she asked.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
and probably I should have thought it better because after making you come with my fingers, I’m extremely horny that without thinking, I would put one of my legs over yours, the other one below, joining our pussies…   
  
I can feel you…   
  
in that way you can touch me and you don’t waste time to do it, touching from my breasts to my hips, settling the rhythm between us  
  
and this is all on you… I let you do anything you want, allowing me to lost myself in the sensations, feeling your hands on me, our wet pussies grinding together, making us shiver with every motion  
  
slowly, slowly… I don’t want to come yet, I want to feel you  
  
slowly then… with my hands on the mattress so I can lean down to kiss you  
  
at least I try because with all the moaning it’s hard  
  
but I wrap my arms around your neck, pulling you closer so I can moan in your ear, because I want you to know what you are doing to me  
  
that makes me shudder in the best possible way… at the same time, it makes me go wild  
  
yes, yes  
  
make me come, baby  
  
you can’t imagine how wet you actually made me

 

Therese gulped, licking her lips afterwards, imagining Carol doing what she was doing. She didn’t want to interrupt to ask for a confirmation, wanting to keep the magic of the moment. She would keep this moment in the way it suited her the best and she wanted to believe that Carol was as affected as her that she couldn’t keep her hands still.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
close your eyes, baby  
  
feel my weight on you  
  
my whimpers on your ear  
  
my arms next to your body, brushing it every time I thrust so our clits rub together, faster and faster… our fluids becoming one…   
  
Therese… I’m so close...  
  
come for me, Carol  
  
come with me

 

It didn’t happen right away and neither was surprised when the other didn’t keep writing, Therese focused in rubbing her clit and the sensation it brought her, her mind reviving the exchanged words, that she didn’t notice that such reaction was giving her the confirmation she wanted and that Carol was doing the same that her. After a few beats, in two different parts of the world, they came at the same time, their minds full of the other one.

They took a little longer to say something, trying to recover their breaths ─ Carol was looking at the ceiling with a surprised expression before a chuckle broke the silence of her bedroom and Therese was looking at the screen, biting her lower lip nervously, waiting for Carol’s reaction, hoping that she had been successful in making this moment as special for the woman as it had been for her.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
that was…   
  
amazing  
  
let me hold you, please  
  
yeees, all the cuddling afterwards!  
  
how are we positioned in bed right now?  
  
spooning or face to face?  
  
none  
  
though it could be considered face to face: you are face up and I’m next to you but using your shoulder like a pillow, my arm around your waist  
  
perfect  
  
then I can hug you… your hair smells delicious  
  
I use a shampoo with coconut essence :)  
  
hahaha  
  
actually, all me smells like coconut because I also use a cream with coconut essence  
  
though right now I smell of sex and sweat  
  
god, Therese  
  
I’m barely coming out from my high and you are teasing me again

 

They smiled, happy to know that there wasn’t any kind of awkwardness after what they did. For a brief moment, they had believed that they wouldn’t know how to react afterwards, going back to the strandedness they had been experiencing the last days. Instead of that, they were back to the comfortableness they naturally experienced if they shared what they felt without expecting anything in return from the other.

They spend a few minutes talking, neither caring that it was dawning on Therese’s side, reminiscing the first messages they exchanged on the website they had met. Only until Therese saw the light through her window, she became aware of how late it actually was, and even though she didn’t want to stop talking to Carol, she didn’t want her to experience what had happened the other day, when her body punished her for not sleeping properly that it made her feel physically ill.     

 

Carol/Therese  
  
now… either we go to sleep or we move to the e-mail  
  
is it time to say goodbye?  
  
temporarily  
  
only to place my armor back

 

Therese felt her eyes watering. Despite knowing this wasn’t a definitive ending, it did feel like a break-up.    

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I can stay a little longer but not on the computer  
  
my head it’s hurting me a little  
  
I think we should go then because the same it’s happening to me  
  
but first I want to tell you that the time I’ve spent with you it has been the most amazing and incredible I’ve ever had in someone’s company  
  
I wish things were different and that I could hold you forever but I know that’s not possible  
  
nevertheless, I love you  
  
as incredible as it is (for me) for the way everything happened, that’s not a lie  
  
and when I come back to you, I’ll be the friend you deserve to have, a person without agenda in whom you can trust  
  
same here  
  
you know how hard it is for me to develop a connection with someone and despite all the obstacles we experienced, what I feel for you won’t disappear… I like you, I care for you and I love you  
  
that will always be in me even if it’s not as obvious as it used to be  
  
take care a lot these days, okay?  
  
I’ll miss you so much  
  
my sweet angel… goodbye… I’ll see you soon  
  
goodbye, baby

 

Nobody shed a tear this time but their hearts were heavy with the myriad of emotions they were carrying as they turned their computers off and they get ready for bed. However, they tried to reassure themselves, reminding that this was only temporal and they were going to be talking soon. Carol was convinced that her decision was going to work; after all, she was a woman who get what she wanted if she settled her mind in a goal. Therese was trying to put her negativity to the side and not being pessimistic, hoping everything went well even though she had her doubts.

In the end, both wanted the very same thing, which was to remind in each other’s lives and they knew they would do whatever was necessary to achieve it.


	8. Chapter 8

Carol didn’t know if she should laugh hysterically or cry.

She had been in Paris for barely six hours, not getting a break during all that time. She hadn’t even had the time to go to the hotel and leave her suitcases, leaving her assistant to do it while she went to the office to get everything ready for the following days. In reality, there wasn’t any time to do anything else, to tear her mind away from her work. Nevertheless, Therese was always in her head, making her feel a wave of melancholy every single time some thought about her popped up.

Carol supposed she should have seen it coming. After all, since the moment she met Therese, she had been facing things that nobody else had stirred in her before so it wasn’t surprising that after the intimacy they shared, instead of feeling like she had scratched an itch, she felt more drawn to the young woman.

Before, she had been able to block Therese whenever she was truly focused on something, even though she was easily distracted from her duties to spend a few minutes daydreaming; but now, Therese was a constant presence in her mind, like a permanent tattoo that not even laser could remove. And not even a day had gone by from their last conversation.

Carol sighed, resting one hand on the conference room table while with the other rubbed her forehead, her closed eyes making her miss the way her coworkers exchanged a worried look, believing that her reaction was related to work. They schooled their expressions when Carol opened her eyes but the ambient was slightly tense.

The grey-blue eyes glanced at every single one of them, almost as if she was trying to read them before smiling tiredly. “You have done a fantastic job, as usual. We only need to choose the models from the line we are going to present but we can leave it for tomorrow, I know we are jet lagged from the flight, so …” she waved a hand. “Let’s take the rest of the day off.” Carol’s smile grew a little bit when her team gratefully thank her.

She waited until she was alone to stand up but instead of leaving the room, she walked to the windows. One of her favorite things about the workplace, here and in LA, it was the breathtaking view you could admire. It was as if it had been purposely chosen to inspire everyone who worked there. Carol’s mind started to torture her by taking her thoughts in Therese’s direction ─ some making her wonder if the young woman would like this city, others convinced that she would and making her imagine the places she would like to take her.

Lost in her reverie, she didn’t notice the door opening until the newcomer’s voice broke the silence, startling her. “Everything’s okay?”

Carol turned around to see her friend, Jeanette, looking at her with curiosity. “I was … until you scared me,” she dramatized, placing a hand on her chest making Jeanette roll her eyes exaggeratedly before they laughed.

The women had met in college but Jeanette had abandoned her career after meeting whom later became her husband, Cy Harrison, coming to live here in Paris. It had been quite the drama since Cy was older than them and during their college time, their teacher. Carol had a difficult time to wrap her mind around the fact that Jeanette was so willing to leave it all to start a life with him without a second thought; however, after their introduction, Carol could understand why she had done it even though she couldn’t empathize with the sentiment. The man was a charming gentleman with an amicable attitude that made very easy for Carol to become friends with him too, besides, it was obvious that he was equally in love as her friend and would do anything for her, which was proven a few years later.

Even when Jeanette abandoned her studies, and wasn’t really interested in going back to college once the couple was settled in Paris, her love for fashion never changed, fascinated by her friend’s plans for the future, though Carol always knew that it was going to take a lot of years and effort before she could start her own personal line.

But after Carol’s graduation, just when she had landed her first job working as an assistant, she was surprised by her friends, wanting to take her to a late celebration since they couldn’t be there when she actually graduated. Nothing pointed that it was anything beyond a friendly reunion but when they finished eating, the couple had exchanged a significant look before focusing on Carol, gobsmacking her by the news of wanting to finance her idea to start her own business.

It had taken a while for Carol to accept but she ended up realizing that they weren’t doing it based on friendship and because they wanted to do her a favor, it was what they considered a good investment because they believed in Carol’s view and her potential. She couldn’t waste an opportunity like that.

“Seriously though, are you okay? You look … distracted, which is unusual during this time. You are normally hyperactive.” She walked in Carol’s direction as she spoke, stopping next to her, all the time making eye contact.

The fashionista looked at her friend, noticing the skirt suit set she was wearing, which made her smirk. Jeanette and Cy always had the preview of the line she was going to launch, and Carol was willing to bet that their entire closet was exclusively full of the Ross brand.

When her eyes locked back with her friend’s, Carol tilted her head. Her heart was telling her that if there was someone in whom she could trust with certainty, it was Jeanette but her brain made her keep her mouth shut, filling her with thoughts that Jeanette would find the brand more important and Carol’s personal life would stain it if anyone found out. In retrospective, Carol’s way of thinking was beyond ridiculous but it helped her to make a decision even if it meant keeping her walls up. Besides, there wasn’t anything to share anymore. Therese and she were meant to be friends now and nobody bragged about meeting someone unless there was potential for more.

“I’m fine,” she finally said, ignoring the sensation of feeling she was lying.

Jeanette knew there was more but she wasn’t going to push, hoping that Carol at some point felt confident enough to tell her whatever was going on. “All right.” She took her friend’s arm towards hers to hook it with her own, starting to walk to the door’s direction. “You know it’s our tradition to go to dinner and drinks as we catch up.”

“Where’s Cy?” Because the tradition was the three of them.

“Waiting in the car already. You know I keep him close for the money,” she joked, making Carol laugh. If anyone else listened to that comment, they would believe Jeanette was an interested woman, especially for the way she looked, which made clear that she lived a life of luxury but those close to her knew the deep and sincere love it flew between the couple.

“Let’s go then.” She needed to keep her mind away from Therese for a while. Though something told her it wasn’t going to work.

 

* * *

 

Therese didn’t like the weekends. For someone who didn’t study nor work, she didn’t look forward to them because they were like an ordinary day, but it was the days she liked the least because she barely talked with Dannie and after what happened with Carol, Therese needed the distraction more than ever to stop missing her. It was easier to convince her mind of ignoring what was bothering her when she was with someone else because when she was alone, her mind’s hobby was to torture her.

After completing her waking up routine, Therese decided to focus fervently in drawing, in an attempt to block anything that wasn’t related to the story she was putting in paper. It worked, but not enough to stop her from looking up when the computer sent a notification. Believing it was Dannie, Therese frowned with confusion when she didn’t see the red point where it should be, her heartbeat fastening as if it knew before having the confirmation as her eyes glanced to the other icon where she received messages even when she wasn’t supposed to get one.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
hey… I couldn’t stay away, I’m sorry

 

Therese smiled a bit, feeling selfishly happy because this meant that she didn’t have to keep missing Carol but on the other hand, she felt sad in the other woman’s behalf because apparently, neither of the decisions she had been taking had been working for her. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you don’t have to apologize for that  
  
I’m glad to see you

 

Carol blamed alcohol for making her send the message, forgetting about any purpose she had had for the following days. But she was certain that the task was a lost cause since the moment she woke up and Therese had been her first thought. How could she force out something … someone that felt like it belonged to be part of her? It was true that in the past it had been easy for her to put a distance even unintentionally but after everything she had lived with Therese, it was now easy to realize that it had been for the simple fact that the feelings stirred thanks to the young woman, hadn’t been experienced before and unknowingly, she hadn’t been entirely involved with the other person. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
really? even if it meant I break my promise?  
  
you are not hurting anyone by breaking it, I want to believe… or are you?  
  
no… unless I’m hurting you  
  
I mean, my day was pretty good but I simply couldn’t feel entirely happy because I couldn’t stop thinking that something big and important was missing

 

Therese’s expression was furrowed with emotion that made her sniff a little. How it was possible that someone so extraordinary like Carol was interested in someone like her, that thought so highly of her? 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you are not hurting me, like I said, I’m glad to see you  
  
I was missing you too  
  
I know I sound like a broken record but I don’t want to think anymore  
  
I confess that I’m doing this because I had liquid courage but that doesn’t change the fact that my heart suffers if I don’t talk with you  
  
what does this mean?  
  
it means that I’m done trying to draw a line between us — it simply won’t be possible to walk away from you, even if temporarily, because I don’t actually want to be away from you

 

Therese wondered if every human being felt slightly superior when they were right about something. She rarely bragged when it happened, when she did, it was with people she knew wouldn’t get angry with her and she never did it in a cocky way that could annoy the other person. However, in this case, she didn’t feel the gloating that came with being right. Deep down, she knew that Carol’s call wasn’t really going to work, because in the little time they had known in each other, it had been clear that they simply couldn’t be ‘just friends’.

She hadn’t said anything when Carol brought it up because she didn’t want to give the wrong impression that she didn’t consider the woman’s options as something important. On the other hand, she, just like Carol, simply wanted a way in which they could be okay together, without anyone suffering.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
once again…what does that mean?  
  
it means that we (if you are willing) are going to go along with the flow  
  
what do you think?  
  
as long as you are okay with it...  
  
I know it looks like I’m letting you decide everything and I simply follow suit  
  
but you already know what’s my position in all this ─ I like you and I don’t want you to be hurt so whatever you consider it’s the best outcome we will try and see if it works for us  
  
we just need to communicate as we have been doing whenever we realize something’s not working

 

Carol smirked affectionately. Therese’s maturity didn’t stop amaze her. In a way, it was heartbreaking to know that the young woman had been earlier pushed to it after everything she had been through but at the same time, it made Carol felt strangely proud, knowing that Therese was strong enough to survive it all.

The following days passed by ─ Carol, even when she was busy due to her job, she always managed to talk to Therese, paying no mind about the time difference. Therese, for the first time in her life, was following a fashion event, not at all interested in the main topic but interested to see Carol in a professional aspect. At moments, Therese felt slightly guilty of having the opportunity of seeing the woman whenever she wanted and that Carol hadn’t even got a recent picture of her for which one day, she had taken Damian’s tablet to take one with the intention to send it to her, but she ended up deleting every attempt because her brother’s device might have a camera but the resolution was terrible.

It also brought a change in their interactions, this time in the form of being incapable to keep their hands away from each other. After crossing the intimate line and the latest agreement they had chosen, it felt like they were behaving recklessly, acting without really caring for the possible consequences. They barely said their greetings, exchanging a few comments to know how the other’s day had been and in the next second they were jumping at each other.

It was the kind of relationship Therese wanted to have with Carol the moment she noticed there was more between them; after all, it wasn’t a no-strings-attached situation because they did more than having sex and there were feelings in between but the commitment that freaked her out in the past and the one she knew she wasn’t ready to face when Carol appeared in her life, wasn’t part of the equation.

However, Therese was dreading for Thursday to arrive ─ she had amusedly noticed that it was always in that day when they always had a serious conversation that always took them to argue about their situation. She knew it was an extraordinary coincidence but since Carol appeared in her life, there wasn’t a Thursday without some sort of emotional dilemma so she couldn’t consider they had come out victorious just yet.

That particular day, Therese woke up a little earlier, having made plans with her mother the day before to go to a Pawn Shop to sell some jewelry that would help them greatly, giving them the opportunity to breathe without worrying economically for a few months. They spent a couple of hours going through the selling process, in which Therese read the same posters more than three times. In other circumstances, the task would have been dreadful but not that day, not after the positive outcome it would have for them spending time there.

High-spirited, the young woman wasn’t even bothered when Marie suggested to do a little of grocery shopping (without the car, which was only used for the necessary like the times they had to buy a lot of things or when Damian had to take some things to the workshop, to save gas, they couldn’t get everything they needed but there wouldn’t be a problem in buying some food for a few weeks). It was a task Therese had grown to dislike thanks to her mother than in the past walked down each aisle even when it wasn’t necessary, but she believed that day nothing could ruin her mood, much less when her mother bought her a soda, thing she had been craving for a very long time and that she couldn’t satisfy because they couldn’t even afford those little things.

Back home, Therese went straight to her computer after looking at the hour, seeing her usual time to be there had passed, especially because by that time she would be already talking with Carol. These days, she couldn’t give the luxury of wasting their time together because Carol’s day usually ended late due to the event and she even sacrificed time she could use to sleep to talk with her for a while.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
hey there  
  
are you around?  
  
hey, I’m just getting home  
  
so am I… well, to the hotel  
  
how are you, angel?  
  
good good, kinda relax due to something we did so everything’s cool  
  
what about you, gorgeous?  
  
very good, thank you  
  
did you go out with your mother?  
  
yeah, we went to sell a few things that we never used that will help a lot to our situation so my mom will be calm because she’s going to be able to pay and buy things we need  
  
and she bought me a soda :’)  
  
that’s great, baby!  
  
I’m very happy for all of you  
  
she also invited me a burger but I said no! :o  
  
why you didn’t want the burger? You have been craving it for so long!  
  
because I prefer to buy what we need to make them and do it here on the house  
  
the ones my brother prepares are yummier  
  
oh, I get it  
  
but it was really sweet of her to invite you the burger and the soda  
  
yeah, she’s a really lovely person as long as she doesn’t get obsessed with something that affects her because then she can become truly annoying, haha  
  
it looks like  
  
but more often than not I’m really spoiled by her… and my brother too  
  
and now you have an extra person who spoils you

 

Therese smiled softly. She couldn’t put her finger on why but since the conversation where Carol told her they were going to go with the flow, she had been feeling more at ease, making her lower her guard entirely. She might have allowed Carol to cross her walls but there was no way to deny that she remained alert, acting unapproachable whenever she felt things were getting out of hand, but she no longer felt that was necessary because it seemed that now they were in the same page. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
you are making me melt so often lately, you know that?  
  
that’s my job, darling  
  
and let me tell you that making a beautiful woman melt it’s not a bad job to have  
  
since I know you are a person who loves their job… yeah, I don’t doubt it, haha  
  
yesterday, when you told me that you wished your job was to make me yours, I thought: “if they paid us for that, we would be millionaire pretty quickly”

 

Carol blushed but she laughed, finding Therese’s words completely accurate. It was perplexing how attracted to Therese she was. One thing was finding Therese a beautiful woman after looking at her picture, which she obviously did, but that such attraction had become something physical without really knowing how she looked entirely had been surprising. The second surprising thing was that she couldn’t get enough of Therese and not because she was unsatisfied with the act since it was practically only messages, it was because she wanted to keep kissing and touching Therese, never in the past feeling such connection with anyone else. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
don’t even tell me  
  
this is crazy!  
  
while I was driving I was actually thinking: “today I’m going to be sweet only, I can’t be on top of her every day for crying out loud!”

 

It was Therese’s turn to laugh. It had been a pleasant surprise the radical change Carol had after their first time together. Therese hadn’t been the one giving the first step in consideration of the woman’s feelings, not wanting to give her the impression that she was only interested in something sexual between them, especially when it felt like they were walking on the edge. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
believe me, I won’t ever complain if you want to be on top of me  
  
buuut we really have to behave for the next five/six days  
  
why?  
  
I’m on my period  
  
are you serious?  
  
what am I going to do with all this energy?!  
  
hahaha, just kidding, baby

 

They kept talking about that particular topic a little more. After Therese learned that Carol also suffered those horrible pains that sometimes made impossible to get out of bed, she told her that she couldn’t have (not that she wanted to, she was contented with being an aunt, finding it good enough) children because she had had a surgery and no longer suffered the torture women went through every month.

This was one of Therese’s favorite things when it came to her relationship with Carol: they could talk about pretty much everything.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
these days had been amazing  
  
don’t get me wrong… I’m not talking just about this week  
  
though it had been pretty amazing, haha  
  
but I’m referring since the moment you came into my life  
  
you know one of my biggest fear it’s to hurt you  
  
but the reality is that no matter what happens, what we have lived together it’s already ours  
  
nobody can take that away from us ─ nor what we lived nor what we feel  
  
it’s always going to be part of us  
  
all this it’s because I’ve realized that I’ve met so many people in my life in person: acquaintances, friends, even people I’ve been attracted to, that haven’t left a mark on me  
  
but you… in so little time, have turned my life upside down  
  
so how would be possible to even imagine that this is not already part of me?  
  
it’s beautiful what you make me feel  
  
I know what you mean...  
  
I’ve always thought it’s stupid to think that only because you are interacting with someone through a computer, it doesn’t meant that it’s not important, that it’s not something that’s it’s changing your life  
  
yes, I believe that kind of thinking comes from ignorant people  
  
there are people who believe in things that can’t be seen  
  
and as crazy as it may sound, I see you and I feel you… you are in my heart, it’s real  
  
of course, the fact that we can’t be physically present in the other's life doesn’t mean that you are not ‘here’ when I think about you or when I see things that remind me of you  
  
there’s people who lived the most fantastic friendships and love stories without ever meeting, only through letters  
  
we spend life trying to connect with the people around us  
  
who says you can’t have it with a person that sadly it’s not near?  
  
it’s foolish to think otherwise  
  
I agree with you  
  
and just as you are afraid to hurt me, I’m afraid to hurt you… but just like you said, that won’t change the reality: that you are important and so very special to me  
  
I know, my darling  
  
I want to tell you something… but if I don’t explain it correctly it might cause a misunderstanding so be patient with me  
  
do I go on?

 

Therese squirmed on the chair, feeling slightly nervous, sure that this was the moment where everything would come crashing down. However, she was curious about what Carol wanted to say because whatever troubled the woman it was important for Therese.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” she muttered to herself, her mind completing the variation of the proverb, _but satisfaction brought it back_. She sincerely hoped it was one of those cases.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
ok, let’s see  
  
in my arrogance, I believed that I was going to be able to deal better if something bad happened between us  
  
I thought: “I’m older, I have a better developed defense mechanism”  
  
and that foolinesh of mine, made me afraid of trying to keep wooing you, that’s why I tried several times to put a stop to it even if it looked like I was doing it to protect myself  
  
you follow me?  
  
yes, I think so… being afraid of moving forward for the fear of hurting me  
  
yeah, but I get angry with myself for fleetingly think that for you it would be harder to deal with something bad  
  
how should I know how would you cope? I have no right to think that way, to make decisions for you  
  
I mean, I was thinking: “she could suffer, I better put a distance”  
  
and that’s a decision you have to take on your own  
  
you mean to tell me that we both were trying to put some distance because we didn’t want to hurt the other?  
  
I know! Usually it’s so easy to forget about those concerns but from time to time you simply can’t stop them  
  
for one side, I have the concern that you would push me away because you believe I’m the one who wouldn’t be capable to stand a breakup because I’ve never lived anything like this; on the other, when you told me that you have had bad experiences when it comes to love… I worried that if you had a bad experience with me, it would be harder for you to get it over and that it might cause you to lose faith in love or in people  
  
that made me start wondering if my motives are the right ones or if my feelings are strong enough to take you in this path with me  
  
and I’m not going to lie to you, that still worries me

 

Therese was amazed, loving having a Carol who was pouring every concern and worry out of her because she was usually the one who put all the cards on the table. Many people would run off to the other side when they were faced to this kind of situations, either because they didn’t know how to deal with them or in fear of making things worse. But Therese liked it since it gave the opportunity to always know what was going on and to fix whatever was necessary, which was what she always wanted so things were always clear and there wasn’t any kind of uncertainty because that was something she couldn’t deal with. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
okay… there’s several points I’ll like to mention about this  
  
go ahead  
  
first the fact that if for whatever reason we reach a ‘definitive breakup’ … I do think it might be harder for you to move on  
  
however, I wouldn’t think about walking away from you forever… I think it depends how bad it is and the reason why we reached that point  
  
but if in this case we decide to be just friend, this time following through, I wouldn’t walk away but I would give you some space  
  
and I’m not saying it wouldn’t hurt me… but like you said, I’ve lived this kind of things, and that doesn’t make me an expert or immune, they still hurt, but I know how to cope   
  
let’s say that I have a knowledge you don’t… and I admit that because of that I’ve thought that maybe we should hit the breaks, but this is a decision of two  
  
I can’t decide for you and if you want to take the risk, it’s your call… I mean, I’m right there with you because I have made clear what I feel for you  
  
but if I’m honest with you, I don’t care what happens with me  
  
I’m jumping without parachute  
  
but I worry for you, for your depression… I couldn’t be in peace knowing that because something bad happened between us, it might add to it  
  
hang on, let me deal with the “it might cause you to lose faith in love or in people” first, then we talk about my depression  
  
all right  
  
but please be gentle because open up like this it’s very hard for me  
  
I know, and I appreciate it  
  
the truth is that I no longer have faith in love nor in people… this doesn’t mean that this still applies with the people that I have them the chance to cross my walls  
  
you are one of those persons so you are not in the bunch of the people I don’t trust… you have the chance to hurt me, that’s true, but it’s not like I’m waiting it because I believe you are different  
  
I know that sometimes I talk in a way that I might make you feel like I consider you like the rest because my default mood it’s doubtful but it’s not like that  
  
when I’m telling you can hurt me it’s because I gave you the chance to know me, in a close way  
  
and I think you know me well enough to know I’m not the kind of person who gives that chance to just anyone, and when I do, I’m taking the risk… because in the end you never know what it might happen, you only have a little insight in that moment of the other person  
  
but when I do it, it’s something I want to do  
  
I spent years without knowing anyone new because I didn’t want to take that risk, I didn’t want to deal with any kind of drama  
  
but I realized that’s not the right way of living  
  
yes, you protect yourself, that’s true  
  
but it’s a very empty way of living because you never experience those moments that make life worth it  
  
it’s very hard for me to say that I’m happy, but of course that spending time with the people I love makes me feel content and at ease, and there’s also fleeting moments capable to make me feel something… that make me feel that it’s not bad to give the chance to a person when it’s the right one  
  
although you never know if they are… that’s the risk you have to take, finding out if they are or not  
  
yeah… and that’s something that happens here and in person  
  
yup… I have to accept that it’s harder for me in person but the point it’s the same, haha  
  
now, about my depression and that you believe a breakup would affect it more  
  
yes, the most important point in my opinion  
  
I appreciate that you are looking out for me, I really do… but the truth is that even if you do it or not, it won’t ‘add’ anything… my depression is what it is, bad things happening or not… I can have bad days even when everything’s okay, so… of course I would be sad and it would affect me but it wouldn’t add anything to it  
  
however, I want you to know that you do add something to my life… but everything had been good and nice things  
  
I think we both want to always be like this but in case it’s not possible… you won’t make my depression worse

 

Carol blinked, taking a deep breath before smiling a bit, once again appreciating Therese’s maturity.

She wasn’t the kind of person who resorted into others to resolve an obstacle, believing she had to deal with whatever problem she faced on her own, especially when it was her who was believed there was an issue and it wasn’t really caused by anyone else. In this case, Therese couldn’t be blamed for her depression, it was something that simply happened to her so Carol believed that she, in her own methods, had to wrap her mind around it.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’m always in awe of how mature you are… it’s not that I forget about it but whenever you show it I’m entirely mesmerized by it  
  
do you know that you are kind of amazing?  
  
you really are  
  
and I’m not telling you this as someone who’s in love with you  
  
nor like the horny woman you know, haha  
  
I’m telling you like a friend  
  
yeah, well… luckily for you, you met me when I already had, not the control but the understanding of my disease because I wasn’t like this in the past  
  
it’s hard to understand it, I’m aware of it… and like I have told you, explaining it too  
  
but I’ve always known that people are not to blame for it  
  
I really love you, you know?  
  
I’m just glad I met you and be living all this with you  
  
I love you too and I’m glad I met you too  
  
come on, let me hug you *spreads my arms*  
  
*wraps my arms around your waist, resting my head on your chest*  
  
wait a minute… we had a serious conversation without losing it?!  
  
I know! Don’t jinx it!  
  
I believe it might had to do with the fact that our sexual tension has been dealt with… hahaha  
  
we have to keep doing that then… hahaha  
  
baby… can you rub my belly? These fucking cramps are the worst… and it’s not even the worst day, that’s tomorrow :(

 

Therese found extraordinary that Carol made her feel secure enough to request something from her without feeling like she was annoying nor the apprehension at the possibility of being rejected. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
absolutely, darling, come here… we are in the comfy couch of the living room, you want to stay here or we go to the bed?  
  
let’s go to bed  
  
all right

 

Carol stood up, holding the laptop with one hand, making her way to the bed without a second thought.

Many people would find the action pointless because they could simply pretend they were doing what they were saying but they naturally did it since such gestures made their interactions feel more real for them.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
lay down, darling… how do you prefer: rubbing your belly with me spooning you or you want to lay face up with me next to you?  
  
spooning… the fetal position makes me feel better  
  
okay, angel *puts my hand on your belly, stroking softly*

 

Momentarily, Therese closed her eyes as she rubbed her lower belly with her hand, placing the other on it, devotedly thinking that the hand below was Carol’s. At the same time, Carol settled on the bed, on her side, placing the computer on the mattress close to her so she could use both hands to type even when she was using one arm as support. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’m going to add soft and tender kisses on your neck  
  
I love your neck, I’m sure it smells divine  
  
and from time to time, I turn around so you kiss my lips  
  
and I give you one after another because you need to be pampered today  
  
and forgive your girlfriend that only wants to be in the sexy side lately, haha  
  
I think you awoke a monster

 

Therese’s eyes widened at the very particular word as Carol froze once she realized what she had done, her heart stopped beating for a moment. Her first reaction was to apologize, to take it back but she decided not to make a big deal of it, not wanting to make things awkward when there was a possibility that the young woman didn’t even notice it (a slim chance, Carol knew, Therese could be a dog with a bone when something caught her eye).

Therese, however, decided to ignore it. At least for the time being, wanting to take a moment to ponder what to do about it, how it made her feel.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
it’s okay, I love my sexual monster  
  
also… what I’m going to say it’s not because I want to try, but I’ve read that having an orgasm helps to calm the cramps  
  
and what I’m going to say it’s not because I want to change your mind… they do  
  
hahaha, oh my god… it’s good to know, I guess I only have to get over my dislike about touching myself during my period

 

Therese nibbled her lower lip, gazing away from the computer’s screen. Carol had given her the chance to pretend nothing had happened but she couldn’t do it. She wanted to know what, if it meant anything. More than that, she wanted to know why she wasn’t freaking out like before at the prospect that it could mean what Carol was interested to have with her. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I have a question?  
  
yeah?  
  
are you my girlfriend?

 

Carol’s eyes were the ones widening this time as she gulped. She could easily pretend that she didn’t say it with that intention but that would be a big lie, especially when she never was subtle about what she wanted with Therese. There was a possibility this could backfire horrible but her heart (always living on hope) was telling her to take the risk. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I was going to ask you that question  
  
do you want to be my girlfriend?  
  
let’s be real, we have been acting like such since a long time, we just haven’t done it official  
  
but I wouldn’t mind doing it official now  
  
so… you want to be?  
  
knowing that I won’t be able to say to anyone about us  
  
of course I want to

 

The answer surprised both of them. Carol straightened up from the bed as if it was on fire, not believing that this was actually happening, that her desire came true. On the other hand, Therese was shocked by the fact that she felt so calm and at ease ─ yes, her heart was beating wildly but it was with excitement and not apprehension. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
really?!  
  
darling, are you serious?  
  
why would I be saying I want to if I was lying?!  
  
hahaha  
  
I don’t know! I just can’t believe it!  
  
yeah… if you want me, with everything I am, knowing everything I entail, I’ll be your girlfriend, gladly  
  
I’ve been wanting you for a long time, Therese… not even what you believed would stop making me want you made me doubt of that  
  
I think acting logically doesn’t work for us  
  
everything goes to hell in the next day, haha  
  
so I believe the most ‘logical’ step it’s take the risk and see what happens  
  
nothing had changed, we feel what we feel and if trying to put a stop to this hasn’t worked, then I think this is the last thing we can do to see how it works  
  
always the romantic one… hahaha  
  
I don’t care, you are my girlfriend and I love you  
  
even if what you said sounded like: “we have tried everything, there’s nothing else we can do but this”  
  
hahaha  
  
it wasn’t like that!  
  
it was more in the: “let’s take a leap of faith” not in the: “we don’t have any other option”

 

What made it more wonderful for Therese was the fact that she felt ready to take this step, one she considered the right one. Before, at the eyes of so many, perhaps even Carol’s before Therese started to explain her situation with more details, she seemed so uninvolved because she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she didn’t believe she was a person who had nor could give what a relationship needed. However, Carol, day after day, proved her that she was truly interested in her, that she realized that she was a woman with flaws but she could still see all the good in her. The most incredible part was that she was making Therese see it too, stirring something in the young woman that she believed had been lost in her forever, which was the desire to have more when it came to life.

It was unbelievable how life worked. At some point you could be so certain about something and then, as if a switch had been turned on inside you, you would be changing your mind out of nowhere.  

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I love you so much and I’m going to kiss you now  
  
*cups your face, slowly moving close to you, firstly nuzzling my nose with yours to then kiss you softly, a peck after another until I pull apart to smile at you, caressing your cheek with the back of my fingers and I whisper softly* You’re my girlfriend  
  
*I wrap my arms around your shoulders the moment you get near, reciprocating the pecks eagerly and beaming back at you* I’m yours  
  
and I’m yours, I have been for a long time

 

Carol felt like in the ninth cloud. The day she talked with Therese after realizing she couldn’t stay away from her, not even for a few days, she had accepted the fact of giving up at the possibility of a serious relationship between them. If she was honest with herself, she couldn’t tell if she would have found their arrangement enough but she had been living the day, like it was planned, not allowing to her heart’s desires to intervene, not in the slightest. But now that it came true, she was experiencing a happiness completely new to her. She had always considered herself a happy person, never feeling like she needed more; but right at this moment, she was ecstatic.

Therese giggled, feeling entirely giddy. Part of her thought it was completely ridiculous to behave like that at her age but there was no way to stop it. Not that she wanted to try. It felt surreal, experiencing things that she had fervently believed had died for her, making Therese believe like only Carol had the key to open that door. Perhaps that was the case … Therese would like to think so. She was a romantic person, though in the last years, it was only focused on fictional couples, but it looked like she was more than willing to include Carol in that aspect.

It was pretty late (for Carol at least) when they finally said goodbye, now more than ever not wanting to stop talking to each other, but Carol still had a busy day. Luckily it was the last one, and Carol would be going back home the day after tomorrow. For someone who traveled often, she didn’t like it, preferring the coziness of her house and now she had an extra reason to find home more alluring because she could spend all the time she wanted with Therese.

Carol couldn’t stop smiling as she went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. “I have a girlfriend,” she voiced out once she was on the bed, looking at the ceiling, almost as if she was tasting the words. Liking how it sound, she chuckled softly, turning to her side, hugging a pillow and nuzzling her face on it, falling asleep with a smile on her lips, keeping Therese in her mind until the very last moment.

Therese remained looking at the now turned off screen for a moment, blinking with bewilderment. By instinct, she stood up to go with her brother, settling the chair in its place and noticing her cat was in the room, lying down at the feet of the bed. “I have a girlfriend …” she whispered at her, feeling her heart swelling joyfully as her cat blinked lazily. A phrase that she was going to keep repeating for the following days, never missing the tone of awe.


	9. Chapter 9

Getting to know each other as a couple wasn’t as different as what they had been experiencing before, confirming that they had been acting like such without making it official. However, Carol did notice a difference in Therese. No longer having to hit the breaks whenever they were crossing the line, the young woman was showing her feelings without filter, making Carol’s heart flutter joyfully at seeing Therese’s romantic side, the one she had had glimpses of before the door was closed in her face, as her default state.

It wasn’t surprising because she had seen that side of Therese, she simply didn’t allow it to break free entirely. What was surprising was that it didn’t bother Carol at all now that she did.

She hadn’t lied when she told Therese that she usually was a detached person, even during a relationship, and she wasn’t very fond of sentimentality. But once again, Therese was proving to be the difference in so many aspects, making Carol feel like a teenager who internally melted at every gesture the young woman did to show her feelings for her.

Carol had made peace with the fact that Therese wasn’t in love with her, knowing that she couldn’t force it to happen but neither losing hope that perhaps it could in the future, as their relationship became stronger and deeper. She supposed that now it was something easier to accept since Therese seemed pretty smitten with her and she didn’t hold back when it came to showing it. In many ways, making Carol felt like she was in love with her but she didn’t want to dwell in that particular conversation because Therese had been fervently clear the last time they talked about it, and Carol simply didn’t want to stain the intoxicating happiness they had been experiencing. Therese was her girlfriend, and she believed that she loved her … having Therese in love with her would be a plus but Carol didn’t think that it would ruin what they had if it didn’t happen.

The following day after getting together, they had their first date as a couple. Many times, Carol had told Therese how much she liked the beach, telling her she would love to take her on a date. Therese (in what would mark the beginning of countless heartwarming gestures she would have), remembering every word that had been exchanged during emails and chats, planned everything. She had searched the pictures: a bouquet that she gifted Carol when she went to ‘pick her up’, the beach they went to, the food they ate, the wine they drank ... everything was Carol’s favorite. Carol didn’t stay behind, also ready with a gift for Therese and when the afternoon turned into night, it was her turn to share the beach under the moonlight, which was the ‘witness’ of their lovemaking. All with the intention of showing that the obstacle of not being together in person wasn’t going to ruin anything.

The weekend put a brief pause into their honeymoon, Carol having a meeting with her team to talk about the following line they have to work on. On Saturday early morning, after saying goodbye to Carol that day, Therese was talking with a friend she also met in the fandom, who had been her confident in what she had been living with Carol, even more so than Dannie, who knew the basics and most important points because Therese didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past where she had turned her best friend into her psychologist, babbling about practically everything about people that turned out to be unworthy of her time, personally thinking that she had annoyed her although Dannie never complained, not even after those relationships ended. Nevertheless, she wanted to make things different, not only in a romantic relationship because her best friend also deserved the best version Therese wanted to be.

Her friend, Alanna, had asked her the million-dollar question: “are you in love?” and for the very first time, Therese wasn’t quick in answering negatively as she imagined she would do if someone asked. Such question led Therese to explain about the fact that her depression had changed the way she felt things, as if a veil was between her and whatever emotion she experienced because she was capable to feel them like any other person who was lucky to do it but not with the same intensity she consider was the normal one for a healthy person. The question couldn’t be answered with a yes or no because it was more complicated than that, but after a few seconds the bulb went on, making her remember that love also entered that equation and falling into the realization that she was in fact in love with Carol. Just as Carol was experiencing being in love for the first time, this was also a first for Therese ─ falling in love after her depression, which was why she hadn’t been able to notice all the signals, because she was experiencing it differently this time.

Therese’s first instinct was to send Carol a message to let her know, her heart ready to burst with the recently confirmed information that it always knew, but she stopped herself because she didn’t want to be asleep when the woman read her confession. Something like this deserved a ‘face to face’ conversation.

 

* * *

 

Therese waited until Carol messaged her, knowing the woman was going to be busy that day and although she was aware that Carol could answer her at any time, she didn’t want to risk distracting her in case she got her notifications sound on, so she decided to wait. Fortunately for her, it wasn´t long before she received the message she was waiting for. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
hi, darling  
  
I’m still here with everyone but I wanted to talk with you for a bit because I missed you  
  
hi, gorgeous  
  
I was missing you too!  
  
it’s crazy!  
  
haha  
  
I know!  
  
around twelve hours without talking and we are going crazy  
  
haha  
  
we can’t be blamed (?) being together it’s still very recent and we want to spend all our time together  
  
I’ve been feeling like this before becoming a couple though… haha  
  
but you can’t deny the desire has somehow grown  
  
that’s true  
  
and how are you, baby?  
  
how are things going over there?

 

Therese was biting her lower lip, bouncing her leg as she waited for Carol’s answer, not wanting to look like she didn’t care by straight focusing in what she had to say without asking about her girlfriend’s day.

Therese smiled at the still pretty new way she referred to Carol. It had been only a couple of days but she hadn’t been capable of getting rid of the incredulous and aweing sensation that washed her over whenever she contemplated the fact that she had a girlfriend. She sincerely hoped it never went away.

After talking for a little bit of what they have been doing, Therese saw the opening to mention what had been swirling in her mind without looking too eager to change the subject and risking to look indifferent. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
there’s something I need to tell you  
  
nothing bad and it can definitely wait if you have to go back to your coworkers

 

Carol narrowed her eyes a bit, reassured for a moment that Therese clarified that it wasn’t anything bad until she wondered if they shared the same opinion of what it could be considered bad and what wasn’t. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
it would be impossible for me to focus now after you said that!  
  
haha, I’m sorry?  
  
you can tell me, they don’t need me right now… I left them sketching ideas, so I can be here a little longer  
  
like the teacher making her students draw? :P  
  
hahaha  
  
something like that!  
  
so go ahead

 

Carol looked up from her cell phone, momentarily looking at the dining room direction, making sure her coworkers were still doing what they had to before deciding to stand up, walking out of the house towards the garden. She had no idea what Therese would say to her but she didn’t want to risk getting their attention, having learned that the young woman always managed to make her react in some way. It was as if Carol was stripped from her poker face. It was something very peculiar because it wasn’t like Therese was able to read her by seeing her. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
ok, well  
  
I’m sure you recall all the times I told you that I wouldn’t fall in love again, that it felt like that it was something that had been stolen from me and never return

 

Carol chuckled softly as she sat on the outdoor sofa with her legs bent on the side. “Obviously.” 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I do  
  
first of all, I want to thank you for don’t push about it when we became girlfriends  
  
you don’t have to thank me, darling  
  
when I ask you to be my girlfriend, I was aware about such fact  
  
of course I’ll like for you to be in love with me but I no longer feel it’s something essential like I used to feel it  
  
though I have to admit that I’ll surely keep trying  
  
you don’t have to  
  
I don’t have to what, trying to make you fall in love with me?  
  
yeah, you don’t have to try

 

Therese’s words were like a hurricane capable to take it all away, making Carol feel a sensation of loss, leaving her empty. She liked Therese’s bluntness because it helped to know what she was dealing with, but it was still harsh to face the situation, especially when her hopes had been crushed. Taking a deep breath, Carol looked down to her cell phone, unsure of how to answer when she noticed an unread message that made her sigh, believing that Therese was excusing herself. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
because I’m already in love with you

 

Carol blinked a few times, her fingers flexing around the device as if she was squeezing a hand. “Oh my god.” Inwardly, she felt like a headless chicken but she remained sat down, the only difference was that she was breathing through parted lips now since her heart was pounding madly. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
what, how, when?

 

Therese chuckled, imagining Carol with wide eyes and open mouth. She then ventured to tell her about the conversation she had had with her friend, how it had helped her to see her life from a different perspective and discovered that she hadn’t been forbidden from feeling certain things as she had thought, she only had to realize that she now experienced them in a different way but that didn’t make it less important nor intense. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
and you have given me a reason to come out of my dark room, Carol… and I won’t deny it, I’m scared  
  
but it’s the good kind of scared, the one that comes along with the excitement and courage to discover what life has for me  
  
what I love the most, and what makes me feel hopeful, it’s that you never forced me to come out, you never pushed me… you were patient and demonstrated me that you cared for me and truly loved me, respecting the limits I needed and waited until I was ready and willing to come out on my own  
  
I believe that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you, because you have proved me that you were in the long shot… you see me, not only how I am but the potential in me and you accept me just like I am, you are not blinded by an idea of how you wished me to be

 

A huge smile broke in Carol’s face, a smile that soon turned into a happy laugh. The happiness she was feeling was simply unparalleled, in fact surpassing the one she had felt the day they had become girlfriends. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
oh, baby… you have made me so incredibly happy  
  
have I?  
  
you have no idea  
  
I never lost hope about it but I didn’t imagine it was going to happen any time soon if I’m honest  
  
well, I believed it was never going to happen, lol  
  
but perhaps for the very first time ever, I’m glad I was wrong  
  
there’s no one better to be in love with than you

 

Carol was too high in happiness to pay attention to her concerns and insecurities that were lurking about the possibility of hurting Therese in some way or to be some sort of replacement for the young woman’s gloominess.

 

* * *

 

As time went by, their relationship started to show changes whenever they were ready to take the next step although Therese would have never imagined, not even in her better dreams, that Carol would be the one doing it in the way she did, demonstrating how much she trusted her.

The sexual aspect of their relationship was as wonderful as it could be, making them feel so very desired and loved but of course, there was the slight wish of wanting more, though it never stained their moments together, leaving them dissatisfied. However, one weekend (which were the usual days where they could be together without interruptions) they were teasing each other when Carol felt the impulse to be bold in what could be considered a selfish act because the outcome she was hoping for was to make Therese even more attracted to her.

During their conversation, Carol threw Therese out of the balance when she told her she was going to send her an email right in the middle of their foreplay but the young woman thought that it was something that she could see later, which made more confusing when Carol encouraged her to see it the moment it arrived. Believing that her girlfriend wasn’t in the mood to do more and that was why she was trying to pull her line of thoughts into another direction, Therese went to check her email, not taking the interruption personally.

She couldn’t imagine what Carol sent her but when Therese opened the email, clicking on the attached video to make it run, her eyes widening as the image appeared, she knew that this was the last thing she expected. She couldn’t see Carol’s face in it but even if she could, it wouldn’t be possible to tear her eyes away from the naked-but-purposefully-covered-with-a-sheet-body she was seeing. The woman was lying face down on the bed, one arm under her body, her hand clearly between her legs, her hips moving enticingly.

The video lasted barely a few seconds but Therese didn’t react until a couple of minutes later, in which she rewatched it over and over again. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I’m aware this is a stupid question but I have to do it because my brain suffered a short circuit… that’s you, right?  
  
hahaha  
  
yes, that’s me  
  
I don’t think I’m the kind of girlfriend that would send her partner videos of another woman  
  
of course… yeah  
  
makes total sense  
  
well then… HOLY SHIT, CAROL!!!  
  
you liked it?  
  
like?!?!  
  
like it’s a very insignificant word to use to explain what your video has done to me  
  
you are fucking gorgeous

 

Carol bit her lower lip, smiling wide. When Therese quickly resumed where they had left off, jumping at her, more than eager to prove how much the video affected her, Carol felt somewhat conceited, pleased at achieving what she was hoping for.

After that day, the videos became part of their foreplay. But one day, Therese had enough of not being able to reciprocate Carol in the same way, borrowing her mother’s tablet after she went to bed. Carol had never said something that made Therese worry, however, her insecurities made her think that there was the possibility of Carol getting tired of giving something without getting the same in return. It wasn’t the only reason why she was doing it, she also wanted to but it was the reason why she couldn’t keep waiting. What worried her was that Carol might no longer feel attracted to her after her makeover. She had told her about it but it was a very different thing to picture it and see the reality.

Nevertheless, as she waited for her girlfriend to wake up, she spend the time waiting for her taking a few selfies until she took one she felt satisfied with and the same kind of videos that Carol did, where they didn’t need to take overbold shoots to make it sexy, though she didn’t mind showing her face, going from undressing until she was touching herself.

When Carol finally greeted her, Therese felt her heart beating with anticipation. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
good morning, darling  
  
morning, baby  
  
did you sleep well?  
  
mmm, yes  
  
I love the weekends, I can sleep all I want and I love to sleep  
  
I’m glad  
  
guess what? I have a surprise for you  
  
oh yeah? what is it?  
  
I asked my mom for her tablet so I’m currently in it  
  
I can send you pictures so you see the ‘new’ me

 

Carol felt any trace of drowsiness wiped away after Therese’s words, causing her to raise from her lying position to rest her shoulder blades on the headboard. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
I would love that  
  
in this way we can know if we continue this relationship or if you going to end it all, hahaha

 

Carol was used to Therese’s self-deprecating humor, laughing in an attempt to fake that the outcome wasn’t really important to her, which never failed to make her frown. Unfortunately, Carol couldn’t entirely reassure her this time (like she usually did) because she had been honest when the young woman told her about her new appearance, telling her that she couldn’t be certain if she was going to feel as attracted to her as she currently was.

It was true that what Therese and she had went beyond the physical aspect but Carol had always been a person who admired certain standards of beauty and knew what she liked. That was why she had faced a dead-end briefly when Therese explained to her about how she liked to dress like a man, to the point she had cut her hair. Carol wasn’t entirely sure if it had to do with her career or if she was old-fashioned or if it was due to the society’s stereotypes, or perhaps it was a mix of all but she knew with certainty that she couldn’t feel attracted to them although she let them be, never being a person who bullied or hated on someone else for the simple fact of showing their true self. But when it came to the possibility of facing a Therese, who Carol’s first impression had been someone feminine, who was now possible butch, Carol wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. Only until Therese explained that it was a thing she did for comfort, making her feel more secure when she was on the street, Carol felt more relaxed with the idea.

Therese didn’t want to make Carol feel bad with her comment, knowing where she stood up but it was a doubt that had been hanging over them so not waiting for an answer, she quickly sent her picture, pulling the woman out of her reverie. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/38ea0013935e64e5b4098df963b9875a/tumblr_pv4iktsa8i1w7e2b6o1_540.png)  
  


 

Carol’s eyes focused on the photo without blinking, almost as if her reaction had been delayed and she was waiting for it. Her fingers slowly moved to the screen, touching it softly to trace Therese’s jaw as she smiled. It couldn’t be denied that it was definitely a big change, Carol contemplated, her eyes going over Therese’s hair until they were running through her face and she could see the impact life had had on her ─ she no longer looked like an adolescent who didn’t know anything about life but Carol could still see the same cheerful sparkle in her eyes, who mesmerized her just like the very first time, only it was now reserved for a few. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
can I be entirely honest?  
  
with me, always  
  
I prefer the long hair, it makes you look sexy  
  
with short hair you look cute  
  
but I’m still so goddamn attracted to you

 

Therese closed her eyes, breathing with relief. She felt herself blushing after opening her eyes, reading Carol’s compliments, still not sure how she could be so attracted to her but at the same time, she was thankful for it. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
that’s good to know because I have another surprise for you...

 

Carol imagined that the awe she was going through as she watched the videos Therese was sending to her was the same her girlfriend had experienced. There were no words to explain how erotically beautiful it was to see Therese getting rid of her clothes (Carol would always remember the pastel pink sweater and tight jeans, and the sexy blue lingerie) to expose her white-as-snow body until she was naked.

Carol was entirely entranced that her house could be on fire and she would be incapable to tear her eyes away from Therese’s hands as they started to move to stroke the skin underneath; from the licked fingers that played with hardened nipples; from the curled hair where fingers tangled up before disappearing lower, coming out soaked after a few seconds, smearing the fluids on her lower belly.

They didn’t waste the opportunity they had that day, making love through the videos, which increased the sensation they have been feeling with only words because now they had the visual and auditory stimulation. It made them lose control in a way that could be embarrassingly fast but since it was mutual, they couldn’t have cared less.

However, despite how sexy and pleasing the experience had been, Carol’s favorite video of that day was the one where Therese mumbled she loved her afterwards. She might not have listened to her voice but the way the young woman closed-lip smiled at her, her eyes conveying the same emotion, made Carol feel like her heart was about to burst at any moment with love and bliss.

 

* * *

 

Days later, their interactions went under another very significant change.

Even though Carol had wanted it to be a surprise, she ended up telling Therese what she wanted to give her as a birthday present because part of her was unsure if it was the right decision and if the young woman would be comfortable with it, knowing that she wasn’t used to people without an agenda. She simply wanted to give Therese something that could be useful for her and of course, made her happy but in order to be certain of both things, she had to ask.

Therese had been perplexed when she found out because Carol had taken such decision before getting together and it was shocking to know that a person who barely knew her wanted to give her something that expensive. Not only that but also because Carol had made sure that the money wasn’t important (it was Therese’s main concern), which made the reason why the woman wanted to give her such present more staggering: she was only looking to make her happy.

But even though Therese felt overwhelmed and her first reaction was to politely decline, she knew that Carol’s gesture was selfless; her only agenda was to gift Therese with something that could be useful to her, which Therese couldn’t deny because she would be able to draw at any time, at any place. That was Carol’s desire and in the end, Therese couldn’t take the decision for her on how to spend her money though what truly calmed her mind about it, was the fact that in that way, they would have a more equal interaction, sending each other pictures whenever they wanted.

The day the tablet arrived (a few days earlier than the day of her birthday) Therese was vibrating with exhilaration. Her hands were trembling as she pulled out the device from its box and the first thing she did (after downloading the required app) was to send Carol a message to let her know, endlessly thanking her for it.

It was marvelous to no longer have to put a stop when she chatted with Carol ─ Therese could leave the computer and still be able to be with her. They exchanged pictures often, showing each other’s houses to know more about themselves. Little details like that brought them closer, making them feel like the other one was including into their life by sharing even the most insignificant things.

However, with the new opportunities they now had, it also came apprehension for Therese. She knew that there was going to be a day where Carol asked about a video call, it was the next logical step for them and the young woman was worried about it. She wasn’t a person who liked to talk, she wasn’t even particularly fond of talking on the phone with her family and in the past, she had been on a multi-call with Dannie and a common friend, and Therese had remained silent all the time. To make things worse, it hadn’t been a ‘one time only occasion’. When she had been part of another fandom, way before meeting Dannie, Therese had a very good friend with whom she talked often and they had tried with a video call and the same thing happened. It was a thing Therese didn’t want to repeat so when the day finally came and Carol asked about it, the young woman didn’t hesitate to let her know about her concerns and what it could happen.

Carol was arriving home from work, eager to spend time with her girlfriend as usual but as her laptop turned on, she started to contemplate about the ‘more’ in her interactions. She hadn’t wanted to jump right away to the video call option the moment Therese had the tablet because she had been learning that she needed to take things slowly, to create a comfort zone for her partner so when Therese wrote her concerns, Carol had been quick to reassure her that she didn’t care if they didn’t talk at all, that they could still write on the chat while Therese grow used to Carol’s presence and started to develop confidence to talk with her.

It helped Therese tremendously to read that, she only hoped that Carol didn’t start to lose interest in her when she saw how awkward she actually was and there wasn’t a change in her overtime. Taking a deep breath, she couldn’t help but ran her finger through her hair, hoping she didn’t look too disheveled, then looking down at her sweater to make sure it was clean. Once she was pleased with her appearance, her hands flew over the keyboard. 

 

Carol/Therese  
  
ok, I’m ready  
  
okay

 

Carol hadn’t changed from her working attire so she knew she looked decent, not needing to check herself. Her heartbeat quickened with excitement as she clicked on the small camera icon. Therese’s did the same when it began to ring on her side, delightfully noticing that her stomach didn’t churn with apprehension as it usually did when she was about to talk with someone.

If Therese had been enthralled by Carol with only pictures, seeing her ‘face to face’ left her breathless. There was no other way to describe her than otherworldly ─ she looked so regal and elegant without looking unreal that it made Therese stupidly think that such sight belonged to an art gallery. As her eyes traced the woman’s face, Therese noticed the way Carol was looking at her, with so much care and love that made her blush, feeling a heartwarming sensation traveling all over her body but what made Therese completely melt, her stomach somersaulting uncontrollably, was Carol’s smile when they made eye contact, which definitely became one of her favorite things.

“Hi,” Carol said softly, tenderly.

“Hi,” Therese replied almost shyly, her body tingling at Carol’s voice, but a huge smile appeared on her face.

At that moment, Carol fell in love with Therese all over again. Therese’s pictures didn’t make her justice, mainly because in them, the young woman hardly smiled, there were some vestiges in some but it was clear that Therese only did it in a clear attempt to not look too stern (Carol was curious enough to ask her about it but not just yet, not wanting to make Therese self-aware with her question), so this was the first time she saw her smile unreservedly, discovering the charming dimples on her cheeks which without doubt made her more gorgeous in Carol’s eyes.

There was a moment of silence in which there wasn’t any trace of uncomfortableness until both women giggled. “So, are you nervous to talk to me?” Carol asked.

“Not nervous … excited, but I don’t want to reach the point where I don’t know what to say, thinking that it’s silly or stupid or to babble because I’m eager and say the first thing that comes to my mouth without thinking.” She made a brief pause, taking a deep breath, almost as if she was pondering what was the best subject to bring out. “You are magnificent,” Therese blurted out of nowhere, making Carol’s eyes widen before smiling. “See?” She blushed. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t mind if you don’t use a filter with me,” she flirted with a smirk. “And I’m not saying it because it means receiving compliments, I’m saying it because I want you to be just who you are with me,” she said softly, moving a little closer to the screen. “You can say whatever you want ─ I’ll never think it’s stupid or silly because you are one of the most interesting and mature people I’ve ever met; you can babble senselessly ─ I’ll like to hear your opinions about whatever caught your attention even if it’s the most random thing; or you can remain silent ─ I know how to enjoy silence. Believe me, darling, I want to experience absolutely everything with you.” She smiled tenderly. “Filters are important to be respectful and I already know you are a decent person, and, indeed, some people don’t deal well with honesty and filters are required to not cross a line but as I said, I want you to be you with me, someone who I know can be a brutally honest person, I don’t want that to change.”

Therese blinked in amazement. “I still can’t believe this.”

“What, baby?” Carol placed the laptop on the couch so she could shift her position, laying down on her side, resting her weight on one arm.

“You. Us. You are so …” she shook her head, like she couldn’t find the right way to explain it. “I told you before that you were my dream woman but I was resigned to the fact that nothing was going to happen between us, and now here we are. You never gave up on me and I’m out of the room when I seriously believed I was going to spend the rest of my life there and I was okay with such fact.”

“I just helped you to realize that there’s so much more in life for you, darling. And if you want to discover all those things with me at your side, I’m more than happy to do it.”

Therese was enthralled with Carol’s smile, which caused her stomach to flutter every single time because she was the reason for it. She had spent years believing she was nothing but a toxic presence for so many people, which was why they didn’t hesitate to walk away when she pushed them away, that it was unbelievable that someone was looking at her the way Carol did, like someone that was so incredibly precious.

“Of course I want you.” Therese looked down for a moment. She didn’t want to be too candid with her emotions, not wanting to make Carol feel like she was clinging on her and making her some sort of savior so she decided to canalize all her emotions in the briefest way she could. “You are my girlfriend and I love you.” She smiled wholeheartedly.

Carol closed her eyes when she shivered at the reverent way the last phrase was spoken. “I love you too, Therese.” There it was again the beautiful dimpled smile that surely would ‘ruin’ Carol’s life. “By the way, I have been meaning to ask you, when you sent me the video muttering that you love me, why didn’t you say it?”

Therese giggled, blushing. “Because I was stupid … I realized, after sending the video that I could talk. I guess I was too overwhelmed by other things that happened that day that I couldn’t think straight.”

Carol laughed, throwing her head back, making Therese chuckle because it was contagious. “I can understand that.” Once again she smiled flirtingly, winking in the next second.

Therese held her breath. She now could understand when someone referred to their partner as their doom, usually with a negative connotation. However, for her it was going to work backwards because Carol would definitely help to crush the dark room, she was going to be her doom but for all the things that were necessary to destroy, filling her life with colors she had forgotten and new that she never imagined they existed.


End file.
